Hello, and welcome to Megadeth. I am your Dave Ellefson for the moment, Scott Christ.

Megadeth, the Fantasy NBA Team Watch: I'm roaring my way into total domination. Well, sort of. Steve Schroeder is a game behind me in third, and [slash]'s own Justin Shapiro is but a half-game back. It's quite the gripping early-season battle for supremacy amongst brilliant geniuses, but I should also note that Tony Ling has a horrible team. To my friends competing with me: SUCK IT SUCK IT SUCK IT SHAQ SHAQ SHAQ DUNKS ON YOUR HEADS.

Did you ever see that movie "Ten Things I Hate About You"? Yeah? I didn't like it. So anyhoo, I was thinking that I could use that to segue.

Ten Things I Hate About Test
1. He's ugly.
2. He sounds like an idiot whenever he talks.
3. He debuted as Motley freakin' Crue's roadie.
4. His music is god awful and will never, ever be forgotten because it goes "TEST TEST THIS IS A TEST WHOMP BIDDY BOMP GIDDY BOMP DIDDY DOPE FIENDS."
5. His legs look way too long.
6. The legs being too long allows him to use a big boot as a finisher.
7. He had one stupid, good match with Shane McMahon and then everyone insisted this guy was the next big-timer in the waiting, and they'd say, "Oh where is his PUSH???"
8. This one time on HeAT he kept no-selling Al Snow in a very crappy manner.
9. He was part of the T&A tag team.
10. He seems like a big dork and he can beat me up.

Hey, you know that U2 video for "Stuck In a Moment (That You Can't Get Out Of)"? You know when John Madden is on at the beginning, and he says that the coach of the whatevers has three words, those words being, "Defense, defense, defense"? If that's so true, why is the score 41-39! These inconsistencies bother me. This leads me to a conclusion: Irish people should never use American sports in their band's music videos. Also, the name of that song is way too long.

Concerning Raw, let's just say that I thought I was going to die of a heart attack during the Rock/Austin segment. There were other parts of the show I liked too, namely the Edge/Angle promo and match, Rock and Jericho arguing, and Kane being big, red and a machine. Also, the Big Show punched the chair, and that's always been a Scott Favorite. How cool is that? He punches THE CHAIR!

If the WWF was trying to successfully get me less interested in Rob Van Dam by having him start a rivalry with Booker T, they've succeeded.

If the WWF wants to just fire Tazz instead of having Austin kick his ass every other week, I'd be fine with that.

If the WWF is worried about the XWF, I will eat my hat.

Actually, I'd like to go on about the XWF. No matter who is involved, that person is not Vince McMahon, nor is that person as financially secure as McMahon, as proven as McMahon, or as time-tested. Frankly, the wrestling you see now on TV is probably all that you're going to see for a very long time as far as a nationally-recognized and televised promotion in the States goes. I mean, baseball owners -- this is not about contraction, by the way -- are having second thoughts this offseason about money, and baseball makes a hell of a lot more money than wrestling does.

I guess I just don't think there will be enough money to do it. Or anyone interested in carrying it. If you seriously think that any network executive sees Hulk Hogan as a big deal, I believe you're insane. The president of CBS or ABC or FOX or Turner Sports or Lifetime doesn't give a rip about Hulk Hogan, and all they see is a goofy-looking old fart with hair hanging off the back of his head and a dumb handlebar moustache. Hogan's as much of a Hollywood celebrity as Scott Baio, and I don't see anyone handing him a TV show.

But let's say that this thing did get a way to take off on national television. Who in the hell is going to tune in to see Buff Bagwell and Vampiro? I don't even think I could watch it for more than a few episodes, and I'm a lot more gritty about wrestling than casual fans are. The only wrestling shows I haven't stuck with are Heat and ECW's TNN show. I even tried to watch Thunder every week.

They could get Eddy Guerrero, I suppose. Sad thing, his firing. Sadder thing is that he'll probably be dead in three years unless he wants to wrestle in Japan or on a chicken farm in Mexico. I'd hope for that not to happen, but wrestlers with addictions don't have very solid track records, no matter how good their matches were.

Hey, did you read Ian Challis' "The Usual Suspectz" over at The Shooters? Well, don't.

The Top Thirteen Wrestlers of the "Week"
1. The Rock (5)
2. Stone Cold Steve Austin (4)
3. Bradshaw (1)
4. The Big Show (7)
5. Edge (6)
6. Kurt Angle (10)
7. RVD (2)
8. The Undertaker (8)
9. Kane (12)
10. Scotty Too Hotty (-)
11. Tajiri (3)
12. Chris Jericho (9)
13. Tazz (13)