Hi. This Heat report is now also being viewed on www.OnlineOnslaught.com. For those of you reading me for the first time (or have erased my fill in RAW report for CRZ), here's a quick synopsis: I hate everything, everyone, but most of all, you. Thank you for your time. (Also, my e-mail has moved to thecubsfan@ddtdigest.com - go check out all the awesome WCW stuff on DDT Digest when you're done here.) You'll probably catch on to my stuff pretty quick or give up entirely on it; might as well find out which already...

Two Years Ago On Heat, Alex Beckers watched D'Lo beat Lethal Weapon Al Snow when Snow used the nunchucks and got caught, Lethal Weapon Steve Blackman beat Val Venis when Snow used the nunchucks and did NOT get caught, and Kai En Tai are the funniest guest pimps ever when they team with Godfather to beat Steven Richards and the Headbangers (and manage to sneak in a few catchphrases.)

One Year Ago, Backlash was just an hour away! I showed up to All State Arena about thirty minutes into Heat and missed video packages! Jerry Lynn debuted and beat Crash to become a particularly unmemorable WWF Light Heavyweight champion, and Lita beat Molly. This was the PPV the Tough Enough kids were in the sky box for, but I didn't know who they were so I didn't look for them.

tv pg ldv attitude 

Backlash stills of the title match (1:12)  

wrestler free open

fireworks! Crowd shot! 

Crash vs Boss Man (w/night stick) - Your talking heads are Coach and Raven, who quotes LL Cool J but does not relate what his mother asked him to do. Crash pulls himself in the ring a goofy way because he's goofy, you see. Double high ten for Charles Robinson! Oh lucky me, Boss Man. Here's the desk shot - "Hulkamania lives, big time!" "I am disgusted and dismayed at this horrific turn of events! I was a Triple H supporter and I was hoping Triple H would have a long and prosperous title reign. I'm absolutely mortified by this! Ugh." Coach suggests that Raven's viewpoint is one of the minority. Did Raven just quote the Riddler? Circle. Lockup no Crash is getting shoved down. Crash ponders the possibilities, then stomps his way over to the Boss Man and tries for a slam - no. Right by Boss Man. Stomp. Double wristlock - Crash isn't coming close to winning the test of strength, so he'll just back up to the corner and climb to get some leverage.  It works, till Boss man sneaks in a headbutt and throws him. Slide out uppercut. "I'm the king of the world!" Huh? Whoa instant heat machine boos. Corner whip, Boss Man charges in and splashes - Crash flop, cover one two no. Cover again one two no. Boss Man looks at Charles, and Charles carefully explains the two count. Crash tries some punches and another slam but it's not happening. Eye poke, slam by Boss man. Off the ropes, elbow drop but no one's home. Crash with a forearm, forearm, forearm, off the ropes, into a boot. "You suck!" Cynical Raven is sure Flair's evil. Big hiptoss. The always fearsome mouth yank. Knee drop. Corner whip, Crash falls down. Raven: "If you befriend a scorpion, and the scorpion bites you, you don't just say 'Hey, why did you bite me?', 'cause it's a SCORPION, Coach!" Boss Man has a weak camel clutch on - here's a forearm to the head and a stare at the booing crowd. Crash with kicks at Boss Man from the mat as Raven defends Big Show's actions. Boot choke by Boss Man puts the end to that mini-rally. Four count, and then another choke. Pulling him up, forearm to the back. Stomp. "The Boss Man, a throwback to the glory years of the Hogan era, many a time he challenged him in the main event, and now still an equally tough competitor." Raven saves it and says Boss Man isn't at the same level as Hogan but he's still tough. Crash is coming back with forearms. Corner whip, corner charge into Boss Man's boot. Boss Man walks out - right into the body slam! Crash can't believe it! The fans can't believe it! Crash with rights, off the ropes, and a running forearm. Off the ropes, dropkick, Boss Man falls but bounces off the ropes and back up. Crash off the ropes, under a clothesline and right into the Boss Man Slam, one two three. (4:07) Well that's that. Raven calls it "the Bubba Slam" for some reason.

Coming up - Eddie Guerrero vs someone who looks familiar, but I forgot his name. And Triple H seeks revenge.

Lots of people paid money to see the Scorpion King (suckers.) Raven gives it his thumbs up, but I wonder why the official WWF.com movie reviewer hasn't given his opinion yet. 

Justin Credible (w/ads and his old music) vs Tommy Dreamer - Coach claims to be the Rock's sidekick, and passes on thanks from the Rock to all the WWF fans. Oh wow, this could be a PPV main event. Raven, as usual, hypes Tommy and talks about being a former Marine. Lockup, headlock, Justin tries for a hair pull escape, then goes for the elbows and push into the ropes, but Tommy hits the shoulderblock. Off the ropes, over, Tommy blocks the hiptoss and hits his own. Justin charges and gets slammed. Raven quotes Rocky. Whip, and Justin wisely slides out. Tommy quickly follows - there's a big right. Justin thrown back in. Coach and Raven on Lita: [as if reading off a piece of paper] "Recently, Lita seriously injured her neck performing a stunt for her appearance on the show Dark Angel." "She'll be undergoing surgery on her neck by Dr. Youngblood, the same doctor who operated on Stone Cold, and she should be out for, like - six to nine months?" "Yea, hopefully, six to nine months, the best case scenario. We wish her the best of luck, and the best in her recovery, from that serious neck injury." Meanwhile, Justin and Tommy have been doing the Justin and Tommy match, complete with someone getting crotched (Justin) - Tommy's been in control for most and Justin has already worked in his flop - there's a Dreamer snap suplex for one two. Tommy tries a running powerslam but Justin slips off the back, kick and Tommy's left shoulder is thrown hard into the post. Justin is proud of himself. Kick to the shoulder, kick to the shoulder, repeat, repeat, boot choke. Coach briefly mentions that these two have an ECW history - there's the pulling powerbomb for one two no. Justin out - slamming his shoulder into the post, slamming in to the stairs. Raven describes Justin as inconsistent. Justin's right is blocked and Tommy hits a back elbow. Whip, no reversed into an armdrag on the left arm, wrenching the shoulder. There's an arm pull, and now an armbar on the mat. Let up for a knee on the arm, then putting the armbar back on. Dreamer with rights, whip, and Justin hits his spinning DDT. One two no. Stomp to the shoulder. Jab. Jab. Jab. Raven puts over the "just getting a title shot is much harder nowadays, so now each title match is very important" idea. Tommy ducks a jab and clotheslines Justin out. Dreamer clutches his shoulder instead of following up - when he gets to it, Justin snaps his neck over the ropes. Justin back in - clothesline is ducked, Justin runs right into the short powerbomb, but Dreamer is too hurt to cover. Justin with a right, but it's ducked and Tommy hits his. Tommy with a right. Swinging neckbreaker. Whip, powerslam one two no. Whip, Justin puts his head down too soon and gets the DDT one two NO! What's Dreamer going to do now - go up the second rope - flying ax-handle is met by SUPERKICK! One two NO! That's hit move! He's just screwed. Justin doesn't believe it, but goes to follow up - slam, no Tommy is gonna fall behind, Tommy tries for a clothesline but Justin ducks, Justin tries the SUPERKICK again but Tommy catches the leg, spin him around, Death Valley Driver - one two three. (5:22) Referee Mike Chioda goes to raise Tommy's arm but it hurts to much to raise - they do the other arm.  

Backstage, Lillian Garcia has a multipart question for oh, you betta recognize D'Lo Brown. "D'Lo, tonight on Sunday Night Heat, you make you return to the WWF in a match against Eddie Guerrero. So first, I want to ask you, how does it feel to be back, and also, how do you feel about having a match against the InterContinetial champion?" "How does it feel? How does it feel to back? Lillian, I am so excited to be back in the World Wrestling Federation! To be gone for so long is a pain I NEVER want to feel again! You see, Lillian, I live to compete, night out, night in, for the fans of the World Wrestling Federation. And tonight, against the InterContinetial champion Eddie Guerrero, I'm gonna take this opportunity that I - am - back! Now Lillian, I have a little question to ask you." "Sure." "What's my name?" "D'Lo." "You damn right." Head shake and he's out - Lillian sure has a goofy smile.

Coming up, Triple H and the Undertaker, but now - WWF Flashback, Hogan wins the title for the time, in 1984.

Blatant Plug: You can have a smaller opening if you spread out the crap throughout, you see. Anyway, if this isn't working for you, please go read TNM's recap over on WeeklyVisitor.com - he's a billion times funnier than I am, and he (inadvertently?) referenced my favorite SportsNight episode last week, so he's fine by me. On the downside, the kid seems to have an unhealthy obsession with Lords Of The Ring and lives in the crappy part of Illinois - unless that's all of this state. I forget.

Slim Jim Hogan Wins The Title At Backlash Of The Week. I do believe we saw this already, but what a better lead in to a plug for Backlash and a recap of Monday's happenings with Triple H and Undertaker. And then clips of Smackdown, which I believe is the other brand. This Just In: The Brand Extension was nothing more than a really flimsily plot device that's starting to look Swiss cheese like. (6:04) 

Did I see a Mopey in that crowd shot? That's just plain sad. Still to come, Eddie Guerrero vs D-Lo Brown.

Steven Richards is in the ring when we come back. This is unscheduled, but he has something to say - hey, did you ever notice that all the other RTC people ended up elsewhere? No? Okay. Raven calls him Wacko Stevie again. "Ladies and gentlemen, allow me some time to air a grievance. There is a man, who is [stops for a little booing] There is a man [boos], who has soiled the reputation of a solid citizen - a pillar of the community, Steven Richards. Raven [the announcers stop their comments], two weeks ago, you insinuated that I am mentally unsound by calling me Wacko Stevie Richards. [Raven: "He is out of his mind."] Well, you might not realize this, but my mind, and my body, are in the best shape of their respective careers. [wha?] You want to sit behind that desk and pontificate about the mental stability of others? Then why don't you step through these ropes and I'll show you that everything I do is calculated. [Raven's up and taking off his coat.] I'll prove to you - I'm not a Wacko! I'm not a Wacko, who you calling a Wacko?" Raven slides under the ropes - and gets stomped. Steven with kicks and chops in the corner and now rights. Here's a ref and there's the bell, so I guess that's a match.

Wacko Steven Richards vs Raven - To truly get the full Coach experience here, you must pretend that this is the culmination of a death feud between these two men, on the biggest show in the world. He seems to treat it as such, as seems to be the way for play by play guys when their analyst partner suddenly becomes a participant. Steven: "I'll show you! I'll show you!" Steven with the corner whip, but Raven reverses into the Raven Special (corner clothesline in, bulldog out) and covers one two no. Raven with a whip, Steven reversed, Raven puts his head down too soon and Steven kicks it - but Raven's up and clotheslining him, one two no. Raven with a push into the corner and forearms. Now that he's hanging out with different people, Coach has a deep understanding and memory of Raven and Stevie Richards. Open hand slaps and forearms by Raven. Raven is backed out by the ref, and walks into a boot. Richards with a clothesline to take both men out. Steven throws Raven in one two no. Steven sets up the front facelock, but hurts his back posing to the crowd - oh, his back is already hurt (from the powerbomb on Monday?) and he's just straining it. Snap suplex, and now Steven is "hearing voices." Whip, side slam. One two no. Chop. Whip, kneeling punch to the gut, sunset flip one two no. Right, but now Raven's mad and taking control with rights. Whip, back drop. Forearm. Corner whip and there's the rebound clothesline. Mr. Wrestling #2 Knee Lift! One two no. Corner whip, reversed, reversed, Raven reverses for the Raven Effect but Steven runs him back first into the corner. Corner whip, Raven goes in chest first and is stunned (trying to get some blood out of his mouth). Steven sets up, waits, waits, turn around already and there's the StevenKick, but Raven moves out of the way. Kick wham Raven Effect one two three. (2:59) Raven celebrates - and spits up blood and maybe teeth. I think he finnaly gets a chance to assess damage here, but I'm still not totally sure when it happened.

Tough Enough 2 clips: They focus on the "all the kids are tired and suck, but Maven and Nidia inspire them to keep trying and work harder", and not on the "Anni sucks - oh, now she's got it all together" or the "Pete and Jackie are over, but not over enough for us to stop talking to us." Chops for everyone (who's a guy.) (1:37) Raven: "Anything who thinks chops don't hurt are out of their mind." D'Lo/Eddie next!

Greyhound nWo repeat of the Week. 

(new) WWF InterContinental Champion Eddie Guerrero (w/ads) vs you betta recognize D'Lo Brown in a non-title match - Wow, D'Lo's got his Volume 3 music ("Danger at the Door") back! You're looking at the Real Deal now! The crowd gives a "whoa, we haven't seen him in a while." Unless I'm missing something, his last WWF televised match was 01/28/01 (WWF Tag Team Title Handicap Match, Dudleyz d. Lo Down/Tiger Ali Singh [3D on Tiger, 5:59]), but then that was up against the SuperBowl so I don't know if it really counted as televised. D'Lo's lost some weight, and looks good. Raven questions the wisdom of going up against someone the caliber of Eddie in his first match - later, Raven picks Eddie as the third best wrestler in the WWF right now (Triple H, Angle as 1 and 2.) "D'Lo should've taken someone easy, like Harvey Whippleman, or perhaps the Brooklyn Brawler." Eddie with a headlock, takedown, up, into the ropes, D'Lo pushes Eddie and Eddie comes back with a shoulderblock. Headlock takedown, back up, cranking it in, D'Lo elbows out, pushes him to the ropes, Raven's putting Eddie over huge, D'Lo with an awkward leapfrog, nice hiptoss. Armbar on, up, Eddie tries to armdrag out but D'Lo hangs on and remains in control. Eddie tries to claim a hairpull, which distracts D'Lo just enough for Eddie to get in a right, right, elbow, turnbuckle smash, right, right. Corner whip, Eddie charges into a back elbow. Raven on Lucha: "His father, Gory Guerrero, was one of the three biggest stars in the history of Mexico." Raven's other two are Santo and Mil Masacaras, I'd assume. D'Lo to the second rope - flying clothesline one two no. D'Lo blocks a punch, scoop up for a slam, and then he spins Eddie out into a sidewalk slam! Looks great. One two no! Pulling Eddie up by the hair, right, "Back off!" to Earl Hebner, kick, right, whip, reversed, over, and Eddie hits a back elbow. Eddie stalks his prey, right, right, right, lovely back suplex. Here's the slingshot senton, one two no. Kick to the back. Kick to the back. Kick to the right arm. Abdominal stretch - Raven names the muscles, then compares and contrasts to Scott Hall's version. D'Lo's not giving, he's rocking the stretch and gets the hiptoss. D'Lo misses a clothesline, Eddie with a kick, snap mare, boot scrape! Picking D'Lo up, right, whip, reversed, powerslam by D'Lo one two no! D'Lo with an elbow, but Eddie with an eye poke to take back control. Chop, chop, chop, whip, clothesline, dropkick to the back. One two no. Chinlock. Right. Whip, clothesline misses and D'Lo with a jumping side kick! Whip, backdrop. D'Lo takes a moment to celebrate on the ropes, then back to work - slam, and let's welcome back the Flourish Legdrop to the World Wrestling Federation. One two no. Right, setting Eddie on the ropes, joining him - Eddie Blocks the superplex and headbutts - pushing him down. Frog Splash? Eddie flies, D'Lo moves out of the way and Eddie switches to a roll, ending up back on his feet on the other side of the ring. D'Lo with a right, it's ducked, kick, running Tornado DDT! Eddie's letting everyone know what's next - climbing, "I Feel Good!", Frog Splash. One two three. (6:15) Hey, he did look real good even if it didn't end up good for him.

Watch RAW! Later.