We are LIVE from Hartford Civic Centre! Your commentators for tonight are Jerry "Da King" Lawler and good ol' (who shot?) JR. Another night of impressive athletes, carnage, a possible maiming or two, even DEATH (of a career, had you going for a second). HELL IN A CELL!! To quote JR, "It is a structure DESIGNED FOR INJURY!". To quote Michael Cole, "You could get a FINGER trapped in there!", THAT is how dangerous Hell in a Cell is. Anything could happen tonight in that EVIL, SATANIC STRUCTURE! You could bite your lip in there!

Look out for the ratings for each match, my opinion DOES count, dangnammit.

KURT ANGLE VS. LIONHEART CHRIS JERICHO W/CHYNA

Kurt cuts a really crappy promo. Chyna gets her own entrance, for some reason. 3, 2, 1, BOOM! BREAK THE WALLS DOWN brings out Y2J, welcome to HARTFORD IS JERICHO! Jericho says Angle is a jackass, Kurt's 3 I's are idiot, imbecile and ignoramus. He has his own I, the intercontinental gold. BIG chant for Y2J. Trade of shoulder blocks and a hip toss. Slaps leas to a Jericho clothesline. Chops on Angle but then Jericho is hit with a drop toe hold and he falls onto the bottom rope, but Chris flips Angle out of the ring and hits the drop kick when Angle climbs to the apron. Angle takes over outside, hits Jericho's head on various things. Both men go into the ring post. Jericho hits a sloppy moonsault body press on Angle. Jericho get crotched on the top rope and Angle hits a SWEET belly to belly superplex, that was really good. Attacks Jericho is the corner. Angle retains control and locks on a Buffalo Sleeper. Jericho gets out and hits the double under-hook backbreaker. Angle reverses a whip into a German sulpex. Back to the sleeper. Y2J elbows his way out but Angle hits a great arm bar takedown. Angle works on the arm and beats him down in the corner. Jericho hits a great heel kick to counter an Angle charge, he then hits a face buster. Jericho hits the flying forearm and gets a near fall. Angle goes for a frankensteiner but Jericho powerbombs him! That looked impressive. Angle gets an armbreaker on Jericho but Chris gets a rope break. SHIT! Angle hits the Right Angle (sorry, Olympic Slam) but Jericho kicks out!!! Angle goes to get the belt but while the ref stops him, Jericho catches him in the Walls if Jericho, but Angle gets a rope break. Jericho in control on the outside, but then Angle knocks Jericho down, goes for a belt. Chyna gets in the way but Jericho pushes Angle and he falls back into Chyna who goes into the steel steps, that looked painful. Jericho suplexes Angle from the apron back in but when he goes for the Lionsault, Angle holds up a belt and Jericho gets clocked. Jericho is out cold! ANGLE GETS THE PIN!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! Another ref (Earl) is out but the original ref is having none of it. **1/2 (not a bad match but didn't give enough time to both men's considerable wrestling skills. Ending looked weak)

The Dudley's get an interview. They want the titles. They are going to win them etc etc. Two words for The New Age Outlaws 3.....D.

THE ROAD DOGG AND GAY ASS BILLY GAY, THE NEW AGE OUTLAWS VS. THE DUDLEYS

Do you want to guess what Jesse James says? In additon, he says he and Sweet Billy G do it doggie style, but not with each other (he's in denial). A big brawl to start, down to RD and Buh Buh. RD hit with a full nelson atomic drop and then that nasty double team groin headbutt attack. RD in peril section of the match. Not much of any note until a slightly fluffed sunset flip by RD on D-Von. Dudleys in control and RD slapped about a bit. More punches and stuff. There's a sign in the crowd, it says "MARKMADDEN.COM", oh wait, the other side says "DON'T VISIT" (okay, I made that up). Nice spinning elbow from D-Von, Buh Buh punched in the crotch while on the second turnbuckle, RD hits a superplex, Mr. Ass in and he's a house a' fire. Pin stopped when Billy pulled out of the ring. Buh Buh hits Billy with a lead pipe in the shoulder. Ref gets bumped, but comes round in time to count to three after RD after the 3D! BOOM! New champions! Jesse and Billy are discussing things in the ring. *(not particularly interesting, mostly brawling. The end was quite good though)

Kurt Angle celebrates backstage like he's been elected Emperor of the whole universe.

Lets look at Viscera splash Mae Young. Lets see Mark Henry attack Viscera. You don't think they're going to have a match do you?

ZOINKS! here's MARK HENRY VS. VISCERA

Viscera's music just doesn't suit him. He should either change his image or change the music coz it sucks. Henry right on Viscera, trading punches. Viscera take the advantage with that heel kick. Henry taken to the outside. He is totally smashed into the steps, that looked cool. Viscera sets up the steps on end against the ring and then flings Henry into them. That was a nasty looking spot. "Boring" chant. Mae Young comes into the ring and WE HAVE TECHNICAL PROBLEMS!! JIM AND JERRY ACTUALLY HAVE TO DO PLAY BY PLAY!!! Henry does a slam or something and gets the pin. Oh, Viscera went to splash Mae again by Mark made the save. 1/50 (the screen going blank was the highlight of this crud)

Jim and Jerry discuss the tag match, then we go to Y2J. Chris is upset. Chris threatens to sort Angle out if he carries on celebrating.

Gay Ass Billy Gay's shoulder is really sore. Aaawwww.

THE HARDY BOYZ W/TERRI (!) VS. THE BLONDE GOTH EXPRESS (EDGE AND CHRISTIAN)

THE ACOLYTES are at ringside to make sure the Dudley's don't snap Terri's little neck, heh heh heh. A couple of flips lead to Jeff missing a corkscrew senton. Christian is in and Jeff flips out and slams Christian. Double team puts Matt in control. Slaps and then Christian dropkicks both Hardys. Christian gets slid to the outside and attacked by Jeff. Matt taunts Christian ("GET UP CHRISTIAN! GET UP CHRISTIAN!" witty stuff) and him and Jeff hit than double team kick thing in the corner, ah come on you know what I mean. Christian slammed and Jeff hits a bad version of that bouncing moonsault thing, two count. Double team face first slam on Christian. Matt tries a piledriver but can't get Christian up, then tries some sort of crucifix bomb but Christian wriggles out and hits a reverse neck breaker. Matt tags Jeff, who goes up top but eats boot on the way down. Edge in and he's a house o' fire. Christian hits a placha on Matt, Jeff gets rolled up for two by Edge. Edge in control against Jeff. Christian back in and some mean stamping on Jeff. Jeff off the ropes and hit with a sort of reverse powerbomb (face first, you see). Edge and his bro stamp Jeff in the corner while the ref deals with Matt. Edge and Christian hit a weird move where Christian drop toe hold's Edge head first into Jeff's crotch, Edge grins and sticks his tongue out which is kind of scary considering what he just did. Rest hold broken, Edge misses a drop kick, a pinning combination by Jeff is turned into a piledriver by Edge, an impressive set up on that one that I couldn't possibly do justice to. Another rest hold on Jeff, Jeff escapes and hits a slightly sloppy frankensteiner. Edge stops Jeff from tagging and another Jeff frankensteiner attempt is turned into a kick-ass powerbomb by Edge! Christian in and hits a nice powerslam for two. A "boring" chant? Edge back in. Both men try to do a face first slam off the ropes and both down. Christian in and while the ref is distracted, Matt hits a sweet top rope elbow, Jeff gets two and a half. Edge regains the advantage with a sidewalk slam and tries a missile dropkick but Jeff counters with his own dropkick. Both tag and Matt is a house o' fire! Matt hits a sleeperhold reverse DDT type move and then sets Edge up on his shoulders. Jeff goes to the top rope, and launches himself into a crossbody block. However, as Jeff jumps Edge reverses Matt into a victory roll and Jeff hits Christian instead. Matt is being pinned by Edge and Jeff is pinning Christian and the confused ref counts both, but only for a pair of twos (I had to go back and watch the video to get that sequence right!). Edge goes out to the floor. Christian is slammed and both Hardys go up top. Matt hits a guillotine leg drop and very soon after, Jeff hits a splash. Its, over. NO! Edge just makes the save. Matt works over Edge in the corner, whips him to the other side and goes down for Jeff to jump at Edge, only as Jeff jumps, Edge spears him! Bloody hell! Matt doesn't realise and turns round to see Edge charging at him. Matt dodges and hits Edge with that diamond cutter type move. Christian and Matt struggle to hit a move on each other, Matt hits an inverted atomic drop. Jeff goes up top but Terri is up on the apron and PUSHES HIM OFF!!!!! Terri celebrates and the camera man seems desperate to look up her top. Christian pushes Matt towards Terri on the apron and she slaps Matt. Matt says "wot you done that for?" and Christian hit's the Impaler!! THREE COUNT! THE BLONDE GOTH EXPRESS IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA (for the moment anyway). Terri dances around a bit and everybody looks confused. Matt challenges Terri about what she did by grabbing her hair. This prompts the Acolytes to come in and DESTROY the Hardys. ***3/5(solid match, some great spots. Ending was a bit odd though, nobody knew what was going on. The mark in me wanted to give this four but I resisted.)

In the back, Christian didn't like what went down, he knew they would win but not his way. Edge isn't bothered, they have the title shot so who cares DAMMIT! Hmm, Edge seemed kind of heel-ish then. You don't think?........

Big Show's feelings have been hurt by the fickle fans, and shows his footage of The Rock CHEATING at the Rumble.

Unfortunately, the WWF's booking isn't perfect, as here is BIG BOSS MAN VS. TAZZ

Unfortunately, despite the new era of the WWF with lots of great wrestlers, we still have to put up with the Big Boss Man's deteriorated ass. Is this going to help Tazz much? Anyway, they brawl on the outside. They brawl on the inside but Boss Man is in control. Tazz takes over with a clothesline and hits a groovy T-bone suplex. Tazzmission but then Prince Albert comes in amd attacks, giving Tazz a DQ win. A big Tazz beat down commences. Tazz desperately tries to fight back but eventually gets hit with the nightstick. Tazz takes a beating but fights back again. He just won't stop fighting back. He keeps getting beat down. They are telling him to stay down, but he ain't listenin'. Boss Man breaks the nightstick over his head. Ow that looked nasty. Tazz still attacks again but Albert stamps him in the jimmy. Tazz stays down. That gets zero, zip, nothing, that was lazy booking. that will not get Tazz over.

Angle is still celebrating and he has a loud hailer and is thanking a load of fans. This is actually quite funny.

Its a big clipfest to build up the Kane and X-Pac match. Kane tombstoning Tori again, classic. My god, Michael Cole sucks, "he's got, a-, g-, a-, A WALL OF FLAME!!" fucking hell.

KANE W/ PAUL BEARER VS. THAT PIG FACED DWARF X-PAC W/TORI

He lived a life of torment and ridicule, because of his hideously disfigured face. Kane did too. Remember this is NO HOLDS BARRED. X-Pac gets thrown about and we are outside, X-Pac tries to leave but Kane follows. X-Pac introduced to the guard rails. X-Pac climbs the PPV set (kind of like a mini Hell in a cell, but you can walk through it) but gets dragged down, he sends Kane into it instead. Hits Kane with a trash can, but Kane returns the favour and beats on him some more. They go through the crowd and X-Pac gets dropped on the guard rail at ring side. Kane missed a swing with the steps and throws them inside instead. X-Pac hits him with the bell and goes for a chair, Paul Bearer attacks him and then chases Tori off. Kane takes control but gets dropkicked while on the top rope. Kane slumped into the corner and X-Pac hits the HOMO-EROTIC MOVE OF DOOM. Kane sits up and takes X-Pac down. X-Pac comes back and starts to work on the knee, but gets flipped back outside. After some fun out there, back in but X-Pac hits a heel kick. Kane catches a crossbody. X-Pac wriggles out and hits the X-factor!! Bearer on the apron but gets taken down. Kane gets back up and hits the top rope clothesline. Tori comes in but Kane catches X-Pac with a chokeslam!! Tori in again and YES!!! ANOTHER TOMBSTONE ON TORI!!!! Kane picks up the steps but X-Pac hits a dropkick on the steps and holds the steps down on Kane and gets the pin! Yikes! Upset! It was worth it to see Tori get dropped on her head again. **(started off kind of predictable, the end was quite good, needed a couple more minutes)

Michael Cole with the Radicals. They ain't nervous and they are going to be wearing dancing shoes. I might have missed something. Eddy asked if he will be at ringside for moral support. He has that metal thing again, because the Radicals are heels and need to cheat to win. Grrrr I hate that.

TOO COOL & RIKISHI PHATU VS. MALENKO, SATURN AND BENOIT W/ EDDY GUERRERA

DUR DUR DUR NUR NUR, DUR DUR DUR NUR NUR. Cool. Big brawl to start. Rikishi and Benoit in, ref is distracted, Eddy sneaks in and Rikishi catches him and hits his elbow with that metal thing. Bye bye Eddy. Saturn takes control on Sexay but gets his superplex attempt countered and hits a dropkick. He hit an inziguri and Benoit tagged in. Benoit eats mat and receives a bulldog. Double elbow on Benoit but he fights back. Moves are exchanged and Benoit is suplexed. Rikishi tagged in and he squishes Benoit in the corner, then rubs his ass in Benoit's face. Rikishi picks Benoit up for the piledrver but Malenko kicks his leg and then tags in, then Saturn, working on Rikishi's leg. Rikishi fights back and Scotty in. He hits a face buster and when he was going to go for the Worm but Malenko takes him out, that was funny. Benoit tagged in and hits two suplexes and two covers for two. Malenko tagged in and drop toe hold and dropkick combination from Chris and Dean. Crowd get confused and chant for Goldberg. Saturn tagged and Malenko backbreakers Scotty but keeps him on his knee, Saturn hits a knee drop from the top rope in what was a painful looking sequence. Sexay breaks the pin. Scotty fights out of a rest hold but gets taken down. Benoit in and they trade near falls, Saturn in and another rest hold. Malenko tagged in again and hits that great calf dropkick, hits a knee, Benoit in and clotheslines Scotty. Benoit picks up Scotty to drive him into the post, Scotty shoves him off but they clash heads. Malenko and Rikishi tagged in and Phatu is a house o' fire. Saturn hit with the sit down piledriver. Scotty comes in to do the Worm. Scotty and Sexay go outside. Benoit hit by the belly to belly from Rikishi. Ref distracted and missed Sexay going for a pin after the Hip Hop Drop (Guillotine leg drop). Benoit hits the top rope headbutt to stop the cover. Malenko and Rikishi in alone and Malenko goes for the knee. He gets put into the post and Rikishi hits the piledriver again. He takes Dean to the corner and hits the Banzai Drop for the three count! Rikishi's let hurts. The winners dance. **1/2 (I don't know, that was a little disappointing but I'm not too sure why)

You damn yanks, you get Wrestlemania ALL DAY LONG and I don't. Poo.

Angle is still celebrating.

Clipfest for The Rock/The Big Show. Wow, WOHS GIB EHT got hit with a 2X4 by KCOR EHT!

THE BIG SHOW VS. THE ROCK

The Rock looks pissed, and he's punching Big Show to start. Big Show blocks a Russian leg sweep, but eat a float over DDT, two count. Big Show punches Rocky out of the ring, but an attempt to put Rocky into the steps ends with Big Show hitting them instead. They go over the rail and they fight in the crowd. Big Show hits Rocky really hard in the face, but Rocky back drops show over the railing. The Rock is in control until Big Show whips him into the rail, then lifts him up ABOVE HIS HEAD and drops him on the rail. Back in the ring and Big Show keeps control with a head butt and some clubbing blows. Rocky fights back but gets powerslammed, two count. Big Show pushing his foot down on Rocky and we are outside again, Rock fights back but hits the post and the rail. Back in the ring and Big Show in control. Rocky stops a Russian leg sweep and hits one of his own, two count. DDT on the Big Show, another two count. Big Show takes the advantage and hits a side slam for a two count. He argues with the ref (Earl) about the count. He goes outside to get a chair, misses a swing. Big Show reverses a whip and the ref gets bumped out of the ring. Big Show hits the chokeslam but no ref! Another ref is out but its the ref who argued with Earl about the intercontinental match. Earl pulls him out before he can count three and they start on each other! SHANE MCMAHONis out!!!!?!!! The Rock hits Big Show with the chair and hits the Rock Bottom!! He goes for the elbow but SHANE HITS HIM WITH A CHAIR!!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? The second ref is in, BIG SHOW GETS THE PIN!!! SHIT!!! Shane celebrates with Big Show! **(Weeeeell, well he has no moves, he has no wrestling moves tonight. A fairly standard match, nothing new from either man which is a shame. The ending was fairly exciting but it kind of came off as confusing)

HELL IN A CELL CLIPFEST!! DESIGNED FOR INJURY!!! YOU COULD GET A FINGER CAUGHT IN THERE!!!

Angle is going to his car, but Jericho and Chyna attack him and throw him in the boot and leave him locked in there! They should have set the car on fire, that would have been cool.

CACTUS JACK VS. TRIPLE H-UH W/EVIL STEPH

Champ comes out first. Sign in the crowd "FOLEY WILL DIE". JR says: "Nobody is going to kiss their sister tonight, but someone will be walking out with the world heavyweight title." wha? Brawling, and Cactus takes the advantage. He hits HHH's head against the ground. Hit a flying punch. Cactus is trying to get out of the cage, but turns to catch HHH as he tries to jump off the apron. Cactus tries to put HHH into the cage HHH fights back and take control back in the ring. Cactus storms out of the corner with a punch, whip into the rope and HHH hits the knee drop to the face. Then Cactus send HHH to the floor and then gets a chair. HHH fights back and gets back in the ring. HHH drives his knee into the chair which in turn hits Cactus in the face. Cactus goes into the steps and then into the post. HHH picks up the steps and throws them into Cactus's face, THUD! HHH puts the steps over Cactus and hits them with a chair. HHH gets back in the ring and poses. Cactus hobbles back into the ring and takes several chair shots, two count for HHH. HHH tries a serious on pinfalls. Cactus lures HHH in and crotches him. Double Arm DDT on the chair, but only two because Mick didn't pin immediately. Into the chair again for HHH and Cactus gets another two count. Cactus pounds HHH in the corner and HHH ends up sat on the chair in the corner. Cactus charges and takes a drop toe hold into the chair (ouch, that was Raven-esque) for a near fall. Back outside and Cactus whacked into the cage repeatedly. HHH sets up the steps and sets up Cactus on the steps for a piledriver. Cactus reverses into a slingshot on HHH into the cage!! HHH is busted open and Cactus punches him and rubs his face into the cage. Headbutt, and HHH lies in a heap, bleeding. Cactus gets onto the second rope and drops down chair first onto HHH on the outside. That was an OH FUCK moment. Then Cactus tries to throw the steps at HHH but he moves and the cage gets busted open. Cactus throws HHH through the cage to the outside and HHH gets dumped on the announce table. Cactus hits a sweet piledriver on the table for another OH FUCK! Crowd chants "FOLEY!" Cactus is climbing the cage but Evil Steph grabs his leg to stop him. Cactus sees HHH in time to stop a cheap shot. Cactus goes for THE 2X4 WRAPPED IN BARBED WIRE!! Cactus hits HHH right in the face with it OUCH!! HHH starts to climb the cage and Cactus follows, throwing the 2X4 up. HHH stops him before he can get up, rubs the barbed wire in his face and Cactus plummets backwards through the Spanish announce table! OH FUCK! JR pleads for some help for Cactus and sounds far too convincing, which kind of worried me a lot for a minute. Cactus somehow gets to his feet and tries to throw a chair onto the cage. Then he tries again. And again. Cactus gives up and climbsthe cage only to be met at the top by the 2X4. The barbed wire was sticking to him DOUBLE OUCH! Cactus is a mess, out on his back. But then he hits a low blow and is on his feet. HHH got knocked down and staggers near the edge, the cage is giving way just a bit. Cactus hits a snap suplex on HHH and both men are very sluggish. Cactus hits a weak double arm DDT, not that I expect a powerbomb or anything like that at this point. Cactus has an idea........ HE HAS THE 2X4 AND HE JUST SET IT ON FIRE!!! OOOOOHHHHH FUUUUUUUUUUCK. Cactus hits him in the face rather weakly with it. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK CACTUS WENT FOR A PILEDRIVER, HHH REVERSED IT INTO A BACKDROP AND CACTUS WENT THROUGH THE CAGE AND THROUGH THE FUCKING RING!! HOLY FUCKING SHIT!! Sorry about the language, but this is crazy. HHH gets down and staggers around. He checks to see if Cactus is still alive and Cactus starts moving!! HHH takes him down with a punch. Cactus starts to get up again and gets beat down again. HHH sets him up for the Pedigree and hits it. Three count. HHH retains and Mick's career comes to a bloody end. ****(that was a violent match, both men took some bumps, but Mick went beyond the call of duty again. It gets an extra star because Mick truly is one.

Cactus looks so screwed up but he won't take any help and is managing to walk out. He tried to say something to the camera but just couldn't say anything. This is heartbreaking. Mick gets the most deserving standing ovation EVER. Mick is covered in blood and is half dead. I don't think he would have wanted it any other way.

That's all from me, take care everybody.

Thanks Mick, we all love you.

See you next time for WRESLEMANIA!! Be excited!

Marvellous Martin
[slash] wrestling