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WWF Jakked by The Cubs Fan




Two Years Ago, Marc Taylor (and Kirk Wagstaff on UK Metal) saw Essa Rios beat Joey Abs (Marc: "If they're not careful, Lita's gonna overshadow Rios pretty quickly."), Miss Jackie beat Ivory to hold on to the WWF Title, Albert beat Mideon and the Headbangers and Funaki each won squashes.

One Year Ago, Test retained the European Title over Essa Rios while Kaientai, Saturn and K-Kwik won squashes.

TV14LDV attitude open - surprisingly, the Poison hasn't made it's way into it yet. Next week?

the Dudleyz (w/Stacy Keibler) vs (sho) Funaki and Crash pseudo WWF Crusierweight Champion Tajiri (w/Torrie Wilson) - "The Poison of the nWo is here!" but not actually here. Your hosts are still Coach and Leary. I guess Crash has something better to do tonight? Hey, remember when Tajiri first showed up and he didn't get along with Kaientai? Hey, remember when Tajiri had better things to do then team with Funaki? I know Rey's got the whole "speaking English" thing going for him, but I hope either he realizes what he's getting into or he's getting a lot of cash. Maybe both. Keeping true to form, Fink announces Funaki's first name but not the promotion of Tajiri's belt. Tajiri and Funaki slide in the ring so the Dudleyz can pound them. Funaki tossed by D-Con. Bubba punching Tajiri. There's a boot choke. Coach hopes for a continuation of the Torrie/Stacy, while Leary (in different words) points out that the Dudleyz have gone from "The Greatest Tag Team In The History Of The World" to "being on Jakked (and not scheduled to be at WrestleMania)." Bubba goes for the Bubba Butt Bomb, but Tajiri gets a bodyscissors and an armdrag (let's say) to escape, then hits a spinning heel kick to takedown the bigger man. One two no. Bubba knee, tag to D-Von. Bubba leaves with a forearm. D-Von with punches. Whip, no Tajiri's got the ropes with his arm so D-Von will punch him in the head (wait), whip take 2 but Tajiri reverses into a single leg takedown, off the near ropes and a dropkick to the head. Leary: "at least assault and battery!" He's not talking about this. Backflip splash one two no. Turnbuckle smash, tag to Funaki. Right. Right. Whip, reversed - Coach says the stuff from Monday is worth seeing "one two three at least FOUR more times", maybe you'll get into if you see it enough I dunno, Leary: "I dunno about that" - Funaki slides under a dropkick, kick is caught, enzuiguri is not. Forearm for Bubba! Funaki back to D-Von but D-Von punching, whip, clothesline misses again and Funaki hits a dropkick this time, armdrag. Leary talks about seeing tears in the crowd. Funaki off the announce ropes but Bubba pulls the top rope down and out he goes. Stomp. Thrown in. D-Von with an elbow to the back of the head. Leary: "It's like a train wreck - no body wants to see it, but I'll be darned if you're gonna want to take your eyes of it." Slam. Off the ropes, legdrop! One two THAT MOVE NEVER WORKS oh right. It does start a "We Want Tables" chant. Tag to Bubba, and D-Von holds Funaki open for a kick. Reverse neckbreaker. Elbow drop. Elbow drop. Mock bow ax handle drop. It's not Bubba facing a minority without him doing an ethnic joke! Look for Torrie. Corner whip, mocking bow, charge in to Funaki's boots. D-Von, from the apron, hits a chop and a whip, sending Funaki into a double leg takedown from Bubba. Bubba puts on a - standing figure four? Yes! What's with the modified figure fours lately? Anyway, Bubba's so focused on the hold (I guess), he doesn't notice Tajiri walking in the ring and clocking him from behind with a kick. Bubba rolls out of the ring while ref Chad Patten warns Tajiri. D-Von comes in without a tag and picks up Funaki. Whip, spinning back elbow? "Who's the man?" VADER. Rights by Funaki, whip, no, D-Von reverses into his pulling reverse brainbuster. Cover one two NO. Tag to Bubba. Hold open for a punch. Slam. Bubba's going up to the second rope but he wastes time arguing with Tajiri and Funaki's up - low blow punch. Funaki going up - second rope 'rana! Funaki falls on top, one two NO! Tag to D-Von, tag to Tajiri. D-Von tries a right but it's blocked, Tajiri with a lightning fast set of counter strikes (kick, right, left, kick, left, kick.) D-Von misses with three swinging punches and gets a hard kick to the side for his trouble. Corner whip, reversed, Tajiri ducks out of the way, reverse thrust kick for D-Von! Snap kick for Bubba on the apron! D-Von back up with right, corner whip but that's a bad idea with Tajiri - Tarantula! Stacy over to eye rake Tajiri - that sends Torrie in motion and they run around the ring. Stacy in, Tajiri stops her, Stacy turns around right into the takedown. There's the catfight, but Bubba's back in to nail Tajiri and break it up. Torrie's grabbed by the hair - snap kick to the back of the head. Whip, Tajiri with the handspring elbow. Funaki up and trying a pescado on D-Von, but D-Von slides in and Funaki gets nothing. Standing spin kick by Tajiri misses and there's the 3D. One two three. (6:32) Wow, that was long. Leary wants to put over Funaki and Tajiri but Coach really rather hype up the upcomings...

Kurt/Triple H later, Test in action, but next, You Know What.

nWo phun. Aww crap, they didn't bother to video package the RAW/Hogan segment. They did cut it down, that's nice. Rock doesn't give a frig about the WWF Title anymore, you know? Hogan said a word that's apparently not legal in TV14. Oh here's the video package. Actually, putting a time stamp on the photo (an incorrect one - Chicago is in the Central Time Zone, you know) doesn't count as doing the video package. Maybe their budget got cut to pay for the ambulance. Maybe they just didn't care? (8:17) You know, some of you my question my sanity (seeing as I'm recapping THIS), but I think the fact that I didn't pay to go see RAW says something. Leary: "It's an epic battle of the ages."

Val/Scotty later, but next Crash/Test.

How come the video for Molly on Fear Factor has her in her old Holly outfit? That's it, I won't watch now.

Test (already on the way to the ring) vs Crash (yella') - I guess Crash really didn't have anything better to do. The "Days Till Test Can Be Fired" count (sponsored by Our So Called Sport) is down to JUST 268 days. It sure seemed like they were hinting at a Test/Booker T feud on Heat if they lost at No Way Out - must've been paying too much attention. Leary wants to know how the Rock isn't dead - "he must be made of rubber!" So what was the nWo so freaked out about? Oh oh continuity. Please don't do the lockup spot Crash. No, Crash ducks Test's attempt at a lockup, then slaps him a couple times. Crash realizes what he's done and takes off - Test is in pursuit. Out of the ring, around the ring, in the ring, off the ropes, under a clothesline, flying forearm. Going up - missile dropkick. I guess when he doesn't have time to think about it, he's fine. ' no Test powerbomb. Rights. Corner whip, Test charges into Crash's boot. Charge into the elbows. Third time, Test is dazed when he comes in, so he's easy game for a swinging DDT. Test misses a clothesline, Crash with forearms, off the ropes, charge in, tilt-a-whirl slam one two NO. Test remembers he used to be in an angle where he beat up refs and threatens to do it to Jimmy Korderas, but Crash stops him and goes for a crucfix rollup one two no. Kick, Crash bulldog no Test flips him off. Crash charges, ducks a clothesline, off the ropes, under the big boot, off the ropes, cross body is caught, Crash is dropped down into reverse DDT position and there's the Last Rites. One Two Three. (2:34) Yes, the thing that Test really needed is another finisher. Coach barely notes Crash's injured shoulder and starts hyping.

Boss Man later, but next, Y2J and Stephanie.

Undisputed Titles and #1 Contenders. Hey, if Ric didn't like Stephanie being involved in this, why didn't he just take her out of the match Sunday? I guess even he knows that PPVs don't matter. You think they'll get around to replaying the time they kissed? It's continuity, but it's continuity involving the right people. (6:16) I hope Triple H just wins so he gets a less disgusting matchup video.

Later, Boss Man. Now, Scotty/Val.

Lugz Tag Team Title Change of Smackdown. 

Val Venis (already on the way to the ring, 2:21) vs Scotty 2 Hotty - See every other Val Venis match of the last month. Coach says "can you imagine if we saw Stephanie and Y2J do that", but it's Coach so it doesn't really matter. Anyway, Coach is sure they're doing each other. Val and Scotty slap hands, so Val's a face even it makes no sense. Scotty starts the clap. Lockup, headlock takedown by Scotty, Val with a leg scissors reversal, Scotty escapes, headlock takedown, Val tries to get loose by pushing Scotty in the corner, but Scotty just jumps to the top rope and springboards back to the mat, still with the headlock on. Up, and Val with a high angle back suplex one two no. Right. Scotty fighting back with rights of his own, but a knee ends it. Forearm. Whip, clothesline misses, Val with a kick, rolling double koppo kick, one two no. Scotty argues the count, Val swings him around and punches but Scotty blocks and hits his own. Sign You Are About To Lose A Title: Announcers start talking about how you're proved everyone wrong and you're not the transitional champion people said you were. Corner whip, reversed, Val charges into a kick. Scotty notices where Val is standing, off the ramp ropes, and Val turns and clotheslines him. Val going to the apron, slowly to the top rope - Money Shot (called!) but Scotty rolls out of the way. Val is out at the right place and Scotty is up - he realizes it now, dance, W O R M woo woo woo who who who NO Val rolls out before the chop. Scotty off the ropes, sliding dropkick to Val. Val thrown in, Scotty with a waistlock, Val to the ropes, Scotty with the reverse roll up one two no Scotty's pushed into the ropes and Val gives him a spinebuster on the way back. Right to the reverse figure four and that's it. (3:10) Not the finish that fans seemed to want to see.

WM Moment - 1989, Roddy Piper and Robert Downey Jr.

Boss Man (w/night stick) vs Michael Shane (already in the ring, w/graphic) - I think I'm enacting a no-Boss Man policy. Boss Man and Nick Patrick have a long discussion about the night stick. Boss Man reacts to the Boss Man sucks chant like he did on Heat. Boss Man sells dropkicks odd. Boss Man catches the cross body - does Bradshaw still get to do the Scott Hall spot there? You know what the coolest part of Smackdown was? The part where Undertaker said that Arn was the only Horseman with guts. Nice to see a segment with Arn where they actually realize who he was, instead of just some random person that Flair's friends with. (Boss Man Slam -> One Finger Pin -> 3:15)

On HEAT, Rikishi vs Regal for the IC Title and Booker T vs Val Venis. Who's host? They don't say. Also, RAW. It'll be Live.

That's it.

The Cubs Fan
[slash] wrestling

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