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WWF Jakked by The Cubs Fan




Note to Chicago People: Metal and Jakked get bumped to 3AM and 4AM early Sunday morning next week - this note is mostly here to remind ME.

Two Years Ago, Marc Taylor saw D'Lo beat Shawn Stasiak and Mideon win a squash.

One Year Ago, I saw watched the new team of Essa and Funaki lose to the slightly more experienced team of the Hardyz and Raven, Too Cool and Al Snow all winning easily.

Not only do we get the multiple WWF logos into "the History of WWF, Volume 1" promo (1:50, rated TV14 DLV), we get quite a few changes in the open. Big Show takes Stephanie's place (that kinda makes sense), Billy Gunn replacing Terri, "Jeff Hardy" instead of "Rhyno goring Jeff Hardy." All the Alliance champions (and William Regal) remain - for now?

CHRISTIAN (at last, on his own) vs Spike Dudley for the WWF European Championship - For those of us who arrived late, Coach (oh, your hosts are Jonathon Coachman and Chris Leary and I don't think we get a shot of them this week) explains why Christian is still here. Leary tries to squeeze an apology under the radar to Coach about all the bad stuff he might have said when he thought they might have been getting fired but Coach doesn't take it. I like Christian's chances - he's far too short for Spike to beat. Also, that joke is far too old. Hey, Coach remembers when Spike was asked to go ECW and he said no and what a smart guy Spike was for doing that. Christian shows his belt to Spike and Spike tells him to bring it on. Then he accuses Crash of stealing all his movies so they can win at State (8A Football Champions and it leaves me empty.) Um, yes, the match. Lockup, Christian throws Spike down. Lockup, no Spike ducks under, gets a headlock, cranking, off the ropes, Coach and Leary are doing their "woo"s, shoulderblock but down goes Spike. See, he's small. Kick by Christian, forearm, slam but Spike falls behind, off the ropes no he's going to slide to the floor. Christian slides out so Spike slides in. Spike goes for the pescado so Christian moves away but Spike lands feet first on the apron - running somersault body attack. Christian thrown back in, Spike follows, punches misses, Christian turns him around, knee, slam no Spike ends up on Christian's shoulders and hits the Victory roll one two make that a Near Victory roll. Spike tries again and gets an electric chair suplex. Stomping. Christian yells and gestures. Punches. Whip, powerslam, one two no. Christian could use a couple more power moves right here. Choke with the boot. Spike tries to elbow after the choke is broken but he gets a punch. Leary takes Kurt Angle's side so I gotta believe he's trying to be a heel on purpose (and having mixed results.) Christian breaks out the hanging vertical suplex - and does the British Bulldog muscles poses! That's beautiful. Oh yeah, cover one two no. Choke. Turnbuckle smash. Chop. Forearm. Kick. One hand snap mare, hard kick to the back. Let's stomp. Side backbreaker. Surfboard. Well, close enough. Spike with elbows out, no, not out, okay now he's out, running head to the gut. Another. Forearms, off the ropes, sunset flip one two no. Spike with forearms, somehow Christian gets a back suplex attempt but Spike's off course landing on his feet, Christian charges him in the corner, misses, and gets a running forearm. Here's another. Spike unwisely tries to break out his large collections of suplexes and Christian reverses, but Spike falls behind and reverses into a reverse (ha) cradle one two no. Spike with the swinging neckbreaker no Christian turns it into the Slop Drop. Cover, one two no. Turnbuckle smash by Spike, mounted punches no Christian pushes him down, charges out for a clothesline, Spike ducks into the corner, Christian charges into a boot. Spike quickly to the second rope - 'rana! Cover, one two no. Christian with a knee, Slop Drop but Spike breaks it up with elbows, headlock, running, Dudley Dog is pushes off. Unprettier. One Two Three. (6:38) PLAY HIS MUSIC.

Still to come, the Rock thanks Kurt Angle, Tajiri in action, but next, Vince celebrated on RAW. 

Vince did stuff on RAW. Coach and Leary were bending over backwards to tell me how funny that skit with Regal was on RAW - the funniest thing they'd ever seen on RAW. I really have no desire to watch it this time either AND Stone Cold Steve Austin checking what his watch was saying in the midst of beating up people was far funnier. (6:37)  

Still to come, RVD faced the Dudleyz, but next, Tajiri.

My Sacrifice - hey, why is Booker T in here? (1:26)

Crash vs Tajiri (w/o belt or Torrie) - Crash thinks he's a monkey this week or something. You decide which is more valuable - the announcers only remember one, but Leary actually remembers that Torrie was part of the Alliance. There's a great conversation here, actually.

Leary: "Tajiri looks different. There's something, something missing, but I don't what it is."
Coach: "There's a lot missing!"
Leary: "What is it? Is it new haircut or something?"
Coach: "A five seven perfectly sculpted blonde goddess that's not out here with Tajiri!"
Leary: "Oh, former Alliance member Torrie."
Coach: "[stumbling] but uh ah that was a long time ago! That was a long time ago! I'm worried about the fact why isn't she here right now!"
Leary: "She's gone, my friend. She's out of work!"
Coach: "No, she's not out of work!""
Leary: "She's not?"
Coach: "No! I'm begging you to know the product!"

They're both kinda right and it's all kinds of sad that they'd let themselves look so dumb on a taped show. I've been missing some nice counter mat - wait, now Coach just said Tajiri is still the WCW Cruiserweight Champion but I know I didn't see any belt with him. Would this be a title match? I guess not. Very interesting yet confusing. Oh good, they got to the standoff to draw claps (and they deserved it) so I can pick up. Lockup, no Tajiri with a kick the the leg.  Headlock, Crash with elbows, push in the ropes, Crash with a leap frog, he's off the ropes, Tajiri with a leapfrog, then a sudden turn and back thrust kick that makes Crash suddenly stop. Tajiri with a monkey flip. To the other corner, but Crash reverses it to a powerbomb one two no. Stomp. Push in the corner. Kicks by Crash. Corner whip, Tajiri rebounds out right into a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker (though not a lucha fast one.) One two no. Surfboard. Tajiri escapes out of it but gets that Holly dropkick one two no. Bow and Arrow! Not called. Here's a driving knee to the back to make it more painful. And another. I think Crash has picked a body part. Tajiri gets to his feet, so Crash pushes him into the ropes and Tajiri bounces out backwards, right into a forearm. Tajiri falls in pain to a corner, but gets a snap mare out. Surfboard back on - now switching it to two feet in the back instead of the one knee. Tajiri gets to his feet and tries to pull something off, but he slips - luckily they end up in the original surfboard position so it looks like Tajiri tried to reverse something and it failed, on any level. Knees to the back. Crowd gets back into it, and Crash picks Tajiri up, slam. What's he going to do now? Taking his time going to the top - Tajiri catches him - Tajiri going to the second rope - superplex! But that might have hurt Tajiri more, especially with his wounded back. Both slow up - Crash misses a clothesline, Tajiri misses a standing spin kick, Crash with a kick, whip, there's the handspring elbow. Off the ropes, 'rana with cradle no Crash reverses it one two NO. Crash off the ropes, bodyscissors roll up one two NO. The crowd gets distracted by a fight in the stands (I guess.) Crash with a corner whip, reversed by Tajiri, Crash charges, flipped to the apron, Crash punches Tajiri, to the top rope, missile dropkick! One two NO. Corner whip by Crash, charge in, Tajiri hops up - Tarantula! Tajiri yells to the crowd. Setting up for it - knockout kick is just too high and Crash hits a kick of his own that look perhaps close to a low blow. Dudley Dog - no, Tajiri crotches him on the top rope. There's a big kick to knock him off, and a knockout kick to, um, knock him out. One two three. (5:25) This is fun.

Still to come, Perry Saturn and Funaki, but up next, Kurt Angle and the Rock.

Kurt Angle and the Rock on RAW (4:43)

Still to come, RVD is forced to face the Dudleyz, but next, Perry Saturn.

JVC Immunity Battle Royale of Last Sunday

Saturn vs (sho) Funaki - Leary thinks Survivor Series might have snapped some sense into Saturn. Funaki is Sho Funaki to the Fink again. Saturn locks up...with referee Mike Sparks. There goes Leary's theory - he takes it back. Dropkick by Funaki. Funaki with the punches to the head, whip, clothesline misses, Saturn with the WOW Crossbody. Armbar, shoulder to the arm, shoulder, thrown to the mat by the arm, legdrop on the arm. Takedown, Code Red! Well, the legs aren't scissored but that's close enough for me. Saturn grabs Funaki's other hand (helped by Funaki moving into position), then turns the hold so he's pushing his legs into Funaki's shoulders and trying to pull his arms out of his sockets. Now up with a hammerlock, reversed, reversed, Funaki with elbows out, armbar takedown with Saturn. Back to their feet so Saturn can hit a rolling headscissors submission. Hammerlock, now a whip, Funaki takes the way out of the ring so he can grab his arm. Saturn follows and Funaki runs back in. Saturn back in and Funaki with a clothesline. It misses, but a dropkick to the knee doesn't. Clapping, dropkick to the head, one two no. Snap mare, double boot scrape. Choke on the ropes. Coach (smartly, which is odd) explains why Vince is happy with the ex-Alliance goons right now. Choke on the ropes. Funaki celebrates. Snap suplex! One two no. Surfboard with chinlock. What's with that this week? Saturn with elbows, Saturn off the ropes, Funaki with a knee. Celebrate! Back suplex. One two no. Body slam. Funaki to the second rope - elbow drop misses. Saturn with punches, whip, reversed, swinging neckbreaker by Saturn. Saturn gets the better of the punches. Whip, clothesline. Exploder. Springboard turning dropkick. One two no. Forearm. Corner whip, Funaki with a drop toe hold onto the second rope. Coach accuses Leary of slipping notes to him about Funaki's (exposed) midriff. BULLDOG! One two oh he's not Trish. Suplex? Well, no and yes, because Saturn's overhead belly to belly suplex does work. WOW crossbody - Funaki sidesteps it! La Majistral! ONE TWO NO! Armbar takedown by Saturn (well, he threw him down by his arm but that's not what it really called) and the step over armbar that Coach is SURE is the Rings of Saturn (it still isn't) gets the job done. (5:21) Hmm, five minute matches.

Lugz Unwise Decision in a Tag Team Match of Last Sunday

RVD and Dudleyz on RAW (1:35) This is an odd little small segment right here

On Heat - Chuck Palumbo and Billy Gunn vs the APA (and Lita vs Miss Jackie.) Next Week!

The Cubs Fan
[slash] wrestling

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