Two Years Ago, Alex Beckers saw Eddie beat Crash to keep the European Title, Bubba beat Boss Man in a KOTR Qualifier, D'Lo beat Steve Blackman by DQ when Al hit D'Lo with Head, Perry Saturn beats D-Von in a KOTR Qualifier, and Chris Benoit retains the IC Title in a Four Way against Chris Jericho, Val Venis and Hardcore Holly.

One Year Ago, Joe Gagne saw Crash beat Funaki, Raven beat Christian, and Matt Hardy defeat Billy Gunn to keep the European Title - Billy turned and beat up Matt afterwards. Mick Foley plugged his book a lot.

TV PG LV W open fireworks

Your announcers are Coach and ... you betta recognize D'Lo Brown (has nothing better to do)'s music plays and even Coach figures out that he's got his color commentator for the week. Miss Jackie has a match tonight, so we needed a replacement. D'Lo does the legdrop signal. D'Lo talks, and isn't bad. "Big D is on Heat!" "Then have a seat!" Hey, that music sounds familiar...

Raven (w/earlier today, Terri held a microphone) vs Spike Dudley - This week, Fate on his chest, no X on his face. "Fate has brought me to these crossroads, and I will not be held accountable for my actions. Quote the Raven, nevermore." D'Lo has no idea what Rave just said. I think they're trying to pretend that this storyline might move forward, but you must remember, this is Heat. Coach claims that Raven's a disgruntled employee, but apparently he's not disgruntled enough to do something about it. I guess he's got an apathetic disgruntlement going. Never can tell. D'Lo: "He gave up one of the greatest job in the world - being your partner!" Come on, D'Lo, I like you but not if you keep saying things like that. Lockup, push in the corner by Raven, right, right, right, open hand slap, maybe that was a forearm because this one was. Corner whip, reversed, Raven's short clothesline misses, Spike with the kick and tries to go for a Dudley Dog but Raven pushes him off before he even gets going. Raven charges at Spike and gets a drop toe hold into the corner. Raven's laid down in Bronco Buster position - Spike jumps with both feet on his chest and bounces. Whip, reversed, Spike with a spinning forearm. Kick, going for the Dudley Dog again but Raven shoves him into the corner - there's the Rebound Clothesline. Mr. Wrestling #2 Knee Lift takes Spike out of the ring. Raven yells and then goes out and hits the Russian Legsweep into the barricade. Spike thrown in, Raven sits on him and punches. Now he pounds his head into the neck. Choke. Walking around. Snap mare. Pick up for another snap mare. Mouth pull. Dropkick to the face! That's different. One two no. One two no. Spike's thrown into a corner, right, oh it's time for the greatest Raven moves/combo of all - the corner whip/corner clothesline/bulldog out of the corner! Except cruel irony intervenes and Spike shoves off Raven when Raven was going for the bulldog - payback, or something. I used to call that the Bronco Billie Special, because (I noticed) Raven started doing it after the WOW wrestler did it, but no one remembers WOW any more. So now it's the Shocker Special, because he's been declared the best wrestler in the world. While I was doing that monologue, Spike managed to follow up with his battering ram head to the midsection. Both are slow up, but Raven up first - Spike still gets the best of the forearms. Spike with a whip, inverted atomic drop, off the rope and a bulldog. Off the ropes, clothesline. He's pumped up. Kick, reverse neckbreaker. One two no. Punches in the corner - one two three four pushed off, but Spike goes back up five six seven eight Raven pushes him off again, and then tries a clothesline. Spike ducks, rolls him up, one two no. Spike charges and tries whatever (maybe a 'rana but it wasn't near high enough) but Raven catches the legs and moves Spike under the bottom rope - slingshot, with Spike's throat hitting the ropes. That's actually an Albert move he stole since they're split, I guess. Whip, reversed, I guess it was a 'rana before because here's another one that wasn't close but we pretend works. One two three. The only KOTRs Coach and D'Lo can think of are Kurt, Edge, Triple H and Stone Cold. Spike goes for the kick once again, but Raven catches it, spins him around, kick wham Raven Effect (4:18) It's WM 14 all over again! Maybe not. Coming up - Jackie vs Molly, Big Show vs Jeff Hardy. D'Lo actually says "Team Extreme." I guess neither is next.

WWE Desire - Weathered by Creed. Hmm, ending with a shot of Stone Cold holding the WWF belt. Okay, breaking recape-fabe: I'm recapping this on Tuesday, so I can point that out and the shot of Austin right when the song goes "Sometimes, I feel like giving up." That's too funny. I bet all this Austin means you won't be seeing this yourself if you didn't see it on Velocity or Heat. Too bad because besides it being a Creed song it's good. (3:26)

Shawn Stasiak vs Crash (green) - D'Lo talks about the WWE life being a double edged sword - I don't think he really meant that. They alter Stasiak's music every week. Coach: "Shawn Stasiak, where ever he comes from..." What the heck, Coach. D'Lo talks up Crash, and then Crash drops by the booth to drop him a note - he's going to orbit Planet Stasiak tonight. Thanks for that. D'Lo says Planet Stasiak is right between Pluto and Uranus - I think he stole that from a guy with a sign in the front row. Coach is recapping Smackdown. As Raven is to using the same moves in every match as Crash is to randomly acting goofy. I think the high point of Crash fooling around in B-show matches was the one on Jakked where he spent the first three minutes reversing every move into a headlock and cranking it in. D'Lo's been doing a good job - he seems polished. Stasiak has apparently been working on Crash's back, but it won't matter when Stasiak hears his voices. I almost (maybe that's pushing it) wouldn't mind these pointless Stasiak gags if they were actually going some place interesting. But like "Shawn Stasiak who's doing well until he does something clumsy and it costs him the match", it won't. Crash with a bodyscissors roll-up - Stasiak doesn't end up in the right position and I don't even think his far shoulder is down but they count the one two three (4:10) anyway. Actually, no voices this time - Crash just got the pin out of nowhere.

Coming up, Big Show vs Jeff Hardy. But next, Kevin Nash's major announcement - they cut off right before he says it, but they've dropped Shawn Michaels' name already tonight. 

Nice to lead in to this segment with the nWo CD ad. 

So, Shawn returned. This is not clipped at all - seeing it twice shows how much really didn't happen. Coach defines HBK's statements on Confidential as "ironic." (3:54) Still to come, Big Show vs Jeff Hardy. But next, Jackie vs Molly Holly.

WWE Smackdown Ending of Three Days Ago. Here's the graphic if you need the concept explained again. And your KOTR Qualifiers - X-Pac, Booker T, Valbowski, Chris Jericho. 

Molly Holly (w/Last Monday) vs Jacqueline - that made no sense, you know? Coach: "She doesn't deserve to go on a date!" Wha? Miss Jackie is too busy to commentate every week, you see. D'Lo says he doesn't have anything better to do. Lockup, waistlock by Jackie, Molly with a waistlock, Jackie with a hammerlock. The story (or how D'Lo tells it) is that Molly got this way from hanging around Regal. Jackie with a rollup one two no. Lockup, headlock by Molly. Jackie elbows off, pushes Molly into the ropes, Molly comes back with a shoulderblock. Again over the list and I guess we're forbidden from mentioning anyone not here this year. (No Mabel for you.) Molly off the ropes, into a hiptoss, armdrag. Whip, reversed, Jackie slides under, charges and gets dropped on the top rope. Stomp. Molly with a double wristlock variant of the Northern Lights Suplex. Face pull, or maybe that's an eye gouge. Stomp. Forearm. Whip, Jackie comes back with a crucifix but can't get Molly down, so she slips down into a sunset flip one two no! D'Lo mentions how unusual it is for Shawn not to talk. Molly with a knee, forearm, forearm, kick to the side, smash to the mat. D'Lo and Coach takes turn saying "Clique", oh yay. Suplex, one two no. Jackie fighting back with punches, but Molly nails her with a forearm to the back and that stomps that. Stomp. Stomp. Choke on the middle rope. Molly argues with Jack Doan, then a choke on the top rope, and rebounder her down. Molly yells at some fans. Whip, Jackie with a sunset flip one two no. Molly with a (lame) push down. Side backbreaker. going up? Molly-Go-Round but no one's home! Jackie with a slap, slap, dropkick. One two no. Spinning heel kick one two no. Slam, no Molly goes behind - reverse rollup and pulling the tights one two three. (4:00) I'm surprised she didn't use the knuckles. Still to come, Big Show/Jeff Hardy, but next, Ric Flair/Steve Austin.

A Tough Enough reunion show? Pete and Jackie oh god no.

Oh wow this King of the Ring song is ROCKING. I want to go out and buy the CD right now. But if only I had an ad to tell me who the song was by, so I could more easily find out at the Best Buy. Ah, thank you ad person. Sadly, now I remember the song sucks.

Austin and Flair - when Flair says Old Time Wrestling Match, we get WCW clips (tinted the color of old newspaper) of him against Steamboat, Vader, Savage, Hogan, was that Luger? (head clipped out) and Steamboat again. (2:05) D'Lo can't imagine what Austin is going make Flair do! Next up, Big Show vs Jeff Hardy.

WWE Smackdown Ad followed by NWA-TNA ad followed by Please Don't Try This At Home

the Big Show vs Jeff Hardy (w/a glow in the dark handkerchief in his right back pocket)- Coach brings up Big Show costing D'Lo the match last week and D'Lo's looking forward to Jeff Hardy avenging him. D'Lo's a dreamer. I don't even want to know what Glow In The Dark says about his preferences. Show tosses Jeff from the second rope with one hand, and it starts. Headbutt. Forearm to the back. Sign: "Big Show Ate My Car." Jeff punches back and Big Show sells it. And then he pushes Jeff down. Forearm to the back. Corner whip, Jeff goes down. Chokelift. Sunday Night Double feature of the whip. Standing on his back. D'Lo says Big Show was a chronic underachiever till he joined the nWo - what, the first time? "There's no stopping the Giant!" Knee. Push in the corner, open hand slap. Hanging vertical suplex. Big Show has snot on his mustache, and everyone notices. Or at least it looks like snot. "Why don't you go say hi to Coach?" and he throws him out to the desk. D'Lo suggest maybe Jeff should be the guest host next week. Jeff up to apron, now knocked off the apron to the floor. Jeff has gotten in all of one punch, so he's going for a chair - in, swinging, and Show just punches it away. Forearm to the back. Corner whip, corner charge into Jeff's boots. Jeff jumps off the second rope for a 'rana (hahahaha) but Big Show ain't going - Jeff tries going all the way down, which lets him pick up the chair - Big Show unwittingly pulls Jeff up for a powerbomb but gets clonked on the head. That's pretty tough to miss. (DQ 3:04) Jeff doesn't seem to care all that much - going up and that's a long Swanton Bomb. Play his music, even though he kinda lost. Show is hurt and angry. Not angry enough to leave the ring and chase Jeff down from the stage, but angry enough to get his music played after they announce the official decision.

Credits and that's it.