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WWF Jakked by The Cubs Fan




Two Years on Shotgun Saturday Night - Marc Taylor saw Mr. Ass get a thumbs down after mooning Marianna, but still go on to beat Chaz, D'Lo lay the Lo Down on Prince Albert and Mideon and Viscera squash some people.  

One Year Ago on NY Metal - Kim watched Big Bossman and Gangrel squashes, Lo Down beat the Mean Street Posse and Perry Saturn beat Dean Malenko when Essa Rios interfered. She also talked about her strong dislike for...Tom Pritchard.

Hardcore Holly vs Hugh Morrus - Your announcers are Kevin Kelly and Chris Leary. I'll be over here, missing Michael Hayes and the Coach (not shown last week so I didn't mention them - I figure these two weren't at the desk for Monday's taping either) quite a bit as Kelly and Leary have a vanilla contest. Circle, lockup, Morrus pushes Hardcore in the corner, shoulder, shoulder, shoulder, shoulder, right, right, right, yell at the ref. Now Hardcore with a kick, right right right chop, chop, chop, corner whip, charge in no Hugh with a boot up, hiptoss. Whip, hiptoss. Slam. Holly off the ropes, elbow drop misses. Right, right, right, corner whip, charge in, Holly moves out of the way, arm drag when Hugh rebounds out, and the armbar is locked on. Hugh up and to the ropes, Right right right, Holly lets go and yells at the ref that if he wants Hardcore to stop hitting Hugh in the ropes, he needs to get Hugh out of the ropes. Now Holly charges Hugh and Hugh backdrops him to the floor. Hugh out and throwing Holly back in. Slam. Cover one two kickout. Whip, head down too soon, Holly with a kick, Hugh waves a clothesline that isn't close, Holly goes behind and folds Hugh up with back suplex. There's a clip that even I noticed. Off the ropes, flying forearm by Holly. Whip, best dropkick in the business (not called.) Super low blow. Whip, reversed into a flapjack by Hugh. Hugh's going up - flying elbow drop hits! One two kickout! Hugh goes up again - this time the moonsault and this time Holly moves. Both up about the same time, Hugh goes high, Holly goes for the legs - Alabama Slam (best looking one so far) one two three. (3:54)

Still to come, the Rock and the Booker T, tomorrow night at SummerSlam. K-Kwik is in the house - and taking on Mike Awesome. But next, Kurt Angle has the fate of the WWF on his shoulders.

Nothing Wrong With Me (1) 

Get this - Stone Cold and Kurt Angle will fight on Sunday! Over the WWF Title! I should've have done the shows in the right order. Anyway, stuff happened on RAW and Smackdown to progress the various things. We don't get the Tazz/Angle match (3:35) but maybe later.

Coming up, Kaientai is here - indeed! Plus, who will remain Tough Enough? Next, K-Kwik can get Rowdy but can he beat Awesome.

Slim Jim Austin Snapping Into Tazz of Last Monday

charismatic young superstar K-Kwik vs Mike Awesome - Hey, there's a cage above the ring! There's gonna be a cage match on Jakked, right? Right? Aww. Awesome seems to be less than impressed with Kwik. Lockup, headlock by Awesome, cranking it in and walking around a bit. Kwik gets in a right right to try to get off, but Awesome's off the ropes, hiptoss by Kwik cover for one two kickout. Brian Hebner is your ref. Right. Right. Right. Clothesline by Awesome. Right. Pulling Kwik by the back of his pants into a forearm. Repeat. Waistlock, Kwik blocks the suplex and breaks the hold, off the ropes, right into a big boot. Awesome going up, Kwik catching up to him. Right right right, up to the second rope to join Awesome, Awesome right right right right headbutt and Kwik goes down. Awesome with a flying clothesline cover one two kickout. Corner whip, Awesome charges in and squashes him. Boot choke. Awesome breaks, and Kwik brings the "pull up to the top rope" move back to set up a top rope dropkick. Right by Awesome is blocked, right by Kwik is not. Again. Right, right, whip, clothesline misses, flying headscissors by Kwik. Kelly making fun of Leary isn't as fun as Hayes making fun of Coach (or Coach making fun of Hayes.) Jumping side kick. Cover one two kickout. Kwok going up but Awesome is waiting for him forearm to the back - pulling Kwik off the top rope and loading him up, but Kwik slides out and escapes. Kwik clothesline misses, Awesome's kick does not - running Awesome bomb! Cover one two three. (3:23) A Kwik match with no splits or flips? It can't be!

Essa Rios es aqui and facing Chavo Guerrero later. But next, a look back at Booker T and the Rock.

They didn't lie! Rock gets bleeped rhyming this time. Here's the end of the tag match on RAW, then the end of the Lights Out match on Smackdown (~8:00) Booker T vs the Rock! Stone Cold vs Kurt Angle!

Did another person go down on flames on Tough Enough? Who cares - TAKA and Funaki are next.

Nothing Wrong With Me (2)

RC Stasiak Impact Of the Week. What's with the veins on his shoulder - eww.

Shawn Stasiak & Hurricane Helms vs Kaientai (w/flgas) - this just in, Stasiak's first name changed because you could pronounce it like "Shane." You almost can't hear Finkel over the pop Kaientai get. TAKA has short tights! Also, either he's expecting or he's hiding his mic under his shirt. "Hahaha! The Alliance, represented by Hurricane Helms and - what's your name? Oh oh - Shawn Stasiak. One is named after a blowhard wind storm, and the other - hey, didn't you used to be called Meat? HAHAHA! That's funny, but we know the truth - we've seen you steal bananas and stuff your trunks! HAHAHAHA! You know [Japanese]? You [Japanese - TAKA makes a "small" hand gesture to illustrate]! HAHAHAHA! And we are Kaientai and we are EEEEEEEEVIL! HAHAHAHA!" Oh, yes, almost forget. "HAHAHAHA" Not that. "HA!" "inDEED!" SHUT UP KEVIN KELLY AND STOP TALKING OVER TAKA. I'll play Leary and pretend all your jokes are super funny if you just let the man talk. Funaki and Helms to start. Lockup, Helms with a knee. Forearm. Right. Right. "MEAT! MEAT!" Suplex, Funaki falls behind, waistlock, to the ropes, Funaki rebounds back and to his feet, Helms tries a clothesline, Funaki ducks, right, right, right, right, whip, reversed, flying headscissors. Dropkick. Helms with a corner whip, reversed, Funaki gets out of the way and hits the bulldog. Celebration, allowing Stasiak to come in and get another "Meat!" chant. Shawn wants TAKA, and TAKA want him. Pose down as they go chest to chest - Shawn with a pie face push down. TAKA up - open hand slap, but Shawn pushes him down again. Open hand slap by TAKA, Shawn swings and misses, and TAKA hits the eye poke. Shotay (Joe taught me that!) Kick, Funaki in, double suplex. Drop toe hold on Helms coming in, slap to the face, camel clutch, dropkick to the face. Drop toe hold for Stasiak, camel clutch, dropkick to the face. Celebrate! Whip, reversed, Sean's clothesline misses but Helms' superkick does not. Stomp. Stomp. Stomp. Right. Right. Turnbuckle smash, and Funaki ends up on the top rope. Corner whip, corner clothesline. Pull out, knee to the midsection, gutwrench suplex (Kelly: "Side Slam" - he's too busy 'accidentally' saying "Meat" and hyping Y2J/Rhyno) one two kickout. Tag to Helms, slam, second rope fist drop. Side back breaker, cover one two kickout. Tag to Shawn. Slam by Helms, Stasiak goes to the top and misses a splash. Both men need a tag. Tag to TAKA, Helms comes in with one. Shotay for Helms, shotay, whip, spin kick. Double clothesline by Stasiak missed, double dropkick by Kaientai. Right for Helms from Funaki, Helms rolls out, Funaki tries for a pescado but no one's home. TAKA going to the top rope, but Helms pushes him off into the ring. Funaki pulls Helms off the apron but hurts himself in the process. Stasiak with the Meat Grinder, one two three. (4:23

Tough Enough Clips. (2:20)

Chavo Guerrero Jr. vs Essa Rios (white tear-away shirt and plaid (?) tear-away pants, right tights) - Kelly botches the story of Greg's back, or he knows a different one then we learned. Kelly: "Don't try anything you see here on Jakked (or on SummerSlam tomorrow) at home!" Please, leave the clothes ripping to the professionals. Chavo throws his WCW shirt at Essa but Essa will have none of it and kicks it onto the rope. Circle. Lockup, headlock by Chavo, into a hammerlock, Essa with a hammerlock, Essa with a waistlock, Chavo reveres into a fireman's carry and covers for one. Both quick up, Essa with a lucha single leg trip, cover for zero, double kip up, Essa opting for the somersault variety. Now they're chest to chest, Chavo with a slap, Essa answers back! Chavo charges with a clothesline but Essa ducks under and hits the flying headscissors. Chavo up and charging at an odd angle, Essa leapfrogs him, Chavo off the ropes, hiptosss, no Chavo reverses into a monkey flip, but Essa lands on his feet, Essa turns around and runs at Chavo, sliding under but Chavo's got Essa by the hair and pulls him to all fours. Forearm, forearm, waistlock, German suplex, no Essa lands on his feet, jumping back heel kick. Chavo with a right that misses, but a back elbow that doesn't. Off the ropes, backdrop, but Chavo lands on his feet, right by Essa deflected by Chavo, Chavo with a right, turnbuckle smash is blocked and Essa hits a headbutt. With Chavo still on the apron, Essa goes up to the top rope and grabs on to him by the head, now pulling Chavo up the ropes, Chavo battles back with a right, knocking Essa into a back flip (!) landing safely on his feet on the mat below. That's Essa. Chavo off the top with what might have been a somersault body block, but Essa moves out of the way and Chavo lands on his feet (!), then rolls through to other corner. Essa charges and gets a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker for his effort. Chavo pulling him around by his hair, kick, kick, stomp. Corner whip, Essa goes chest first into the corner and backs out into back suplex. Cover one two kickout. Kevin Kelly says "Shawn Michaels" in retelling Undertaker's cage match history but I still don't like him. Go be mean to people in ECWA! Go hang out with J.R. Ryder! GORY STRETCH but Essa quickly but quickly breaks free and turns it into a bodyscissors roll up one two kickout! Chavo up quick with a clothesline. Chavo regains his breath while Essa gets back up, right no it's blocked and Essa's isn't! Repeat! Essa ducks the clothesline and hits the dropkick. Chavo charges again, but Essa grabs the arm on the missed clothesline to turn into a short clothesline the other way. Kick, whip, backdrop. Kick, wristlock, Chavo sees what's coming and gets a kick in, switching the hold to a hammerlock. Essa with a back elbow, back elbow, reversed back to the wristlock, right right running to the ropes, Mexican armdrag into the running powerslam one two Chavo gets a foot on the ropes! Leary loves the move! He's good people. Essa is frustrated. Right. Right. Chavo lifted onto the top rope. Right. Essa going up for the top rope 'rana, but Chavo holds on! Essa's got to stop trying that move. Chavo pulls Essa up and over for the Tornado DDT - no, Chavo goes from the facelock and pulls Essa up and into a (second rope) Michonku Driver-esque move! One Two Three (3:47) That's a pretty impressive move - Book Of Moves sez: Cradle Suplex Through Legs Piledriver (off the second rope) - maybe Chavo and Essa were watching Joshi or talking to Loki? This match may be what JR is talking about when he wants the guys to slow down and not just be nutty about spots, but who cares. This match really needed the Metal Espanol announcers - TUESDAY NIGHT LUCHA ON GALAVISION! These two need to fight a million billion times.

WCW wins 3-1 but no one cares.

Rhyno vs Chris Jericho! DDP/Kanyon vs Undertaker/Kane! Booker T vs the Rock! Stone Cold vs Kurt Angle! The WWF guys are always right! You can see this all on SummerSlam! See you there.

The Cubs Fan
[slash] wrestling

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