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WWF Jakked by The Cubs Fan




Two years ago (on Jakked by Marc Taylor and Metal UK by Kirk Wagstaff), the Hollys beat the MSPosse, Kaientai lost to Too Cool, Viscera and Gangrel went to a DCO and Bulldog won a squash.

One Year Ago, I saw Crash, Lo Down and Saturn all win squashes, with some WCPW cameos.


Shawn Stasiak vs Boss Man - This time, the explanation is supplied by the Coach. "Everybody keeps asking me, 'what's Stasiak doing back in the World Wrestling Federation?' Well, we think he just showed up on the back door step, because - he never knows where's he is! [Leary says stuff] He never knows where he is, so we'll put him in the ring against Boss Man." Leary: "That's a good enough explanation." (Bossman Slam 5:14

Your announcers are Coach and Leary and the best way to start the show is to completely insult your viewers intelligence. 

Rumble hype package. (2:26) Picture of "30 men" shows 23 - what's the deal with Faarooq and Bradshaw being so separated? Triple H is the focus, of course.

Perry Saturn vs Eddie Craven (already in the ring, w/graphic) - Lockup, headbutt by Saturn. Craven goes for a punch, Saturn flinches back, Craven's confused to Saturn kicks him. Right, right. Full nelson, snap mare. Off the ropes, shoulderblock. Leary thinks Tazz may still be in the trunk of that car. Off the ropes, shoulderblock, over, under, hiptoss by Craven, dropkick by Craven. Right. Whip, Saturn stops short and throws Craven out of the ring. Head to the apron, back to the steps. Coach says he's done this each and every week when he did last week for the first time in months. Craven in the ring, but leaning out enough that his head can get smashed into the front of the apron. Cover one two no. Whip, reverse roll up spot one two no. Craven off the ropes, single leg trip, elbow drop. Stomp. Leary's heel bit is defending Jericho this week. Head to the gut, kick to the gut, suplex not to the gut. What does "transitional" champion mean, anyway? I know YOU might use that world and I might use that word, but in the world of the WWF, that hasn't quite been explained. Saturn with an STF variation - more of a choke, Coach makes a (good) case for, and Saturn does get a five count to let go. Double jump stomp on the back. Push in the ropes, head to the gut. Kick. Right. Stomp. Slam. Going up. Well, eventually. Vader bomb splash on the knees. Swinging neckbreaker. Off the ropes, flying forearm. Pumped up, right, corner whip, charge in and a SuperKwang kick - Craven even ends up out of the ring like Vega used to! Craven quickly up and going up - cross body one two no. Right. Right. Knee, hard snap mare, hard kick to the back, Rings of Saturn. (4:09) They don't realize it till the bell rings. Saturn takes his time letting go, of course.

Rock/Y2J (2:15) When the graphic says "Tomorrow Night", I keep remembering it's 4AM Sunday.

Flair/McMahon (3:13)

(Sho) Funaki vs Michael Shane (already in the ring, w/graphic) - Circle. Lockup, waistlock by Funaki, Shane elbows out, off the ropes, under, kick to the gut, whip, reversed, Funaki goes for a leapfrog but Shane with a powerslam one two no. Kicks and punches in the corner. Coach and Leary paint Flair as the underdog in his match. Corner whip, Funaki charges in, find nothing, dropkick. Funaki goes to the outside, Shane goes for him but Funaki trips up the legs and drags him to the corner - but Shane's legs are too powerful (I guess) and Funaki's pulled face first into the ringpost. Shane out, Funaki thrown in, Shane in, right right kick whip, clothesline misses, Funaki hits the dropkick to the knee. Coach: "Will Trish Straus be a 100%? She's got a broken, broken, [long pause], hand? [Leary helps] Yea, all the way up to the elbow, really." Hurt (left) leg put on the bottom rope, sitdown on the leg, sitdown on the leg. Drive the knee into the mat. Kick to the leg. Trip, kick to the back of the knee, spinning toe hold (!) but Shane reverses to a small package one two no. Funaki up and kicking the knee. Kneebreaker. Stretching the knee over the second rope. Korderas is asking Shane if he wants to give up quite likely. Kick to the leg. Pick up, holding the leg, elbow to the knee, elbow to to the knee, enzuiguri is ducked. Leary picks Hurricane. Knee driven into the mat. Sitdown and pulling into the leg - that's like an Indian Deathlock there. Maybe a figure four if Funaki was laying back and not sitting on one leg. Coach picks Triple H, but only if Triple H gets a good number. Funaki punches and chops Shane while still in the hole, but Shane battles back and frees himself. Shane up and clotheslines. Funaki up first, kick to the leg. Funaki grabs the leg, but this time the enzuiguri hits. Funaki up to his feet (Coach talking about how all wives are whiny - I wonder how his mom feels about that), battle of punches and Shane gets the better of it. Whip, clothesline misses, flying forearm hits. Shane's not selling the leg. Belly to belly overhead suplex. Slam, now the knee hurts and Funaki can go behind - kick to the leg. Knee into the mat - no Shane kicks him away with his other leg. Now the knee hurts. Kicks in the corner, and Shane is nice enough set Funaki up on the top rope - reverse Tornado DDT! Both legs cradled - one two three (5:19)

Smackdown main event. (7:42)

Heat is Live from the site of Royal Rumble. At Royal Rumble, there will be Vince/Flair, Jericho/the Rock and the Royal Rumble match. That's it.

The Cubs Fan
[slash] wrestling

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