You are here

WWF Jakked by The Cubs Fan




Two Years Ago (on Metal UK), Kirk Wagstaff wrote his THIRD Metal report, featuring such things as Albert beating Gangrel, Bulldog winning a squash, Joey Abs' sure victory over Funaki being spoiled by the rest of the MSPosse running in for no apparently reason but to cause the DQ and the Dudley Boyz beating the Headbangers.

One Year Ago, Hardcore Holly, Perry Saturn, Essa Rios and TAKA Michinoku all won squashes.

tv14 ldv attitude open

WWF European Champion CHRISTIAN & this is a Test vs Albert & Scotty 2 Hotty - Christian is 225 pounds? Suuuure. Coach starts off the show on the usual foot: "Test is gonna team up with Christian here, and quite frankly Chris, this is a tag team we've never seen before." HEY, what happened to Test beating up the refs and using his immunity for evil purposes? HEY, what happened to Christian telling Funaki that, since he beat Rikishi, he was going to be a Giant Killer? HEY, how do you think a midcard guy (like any of the four right here) must feel knowing that their success and income is ultimately dependant on people with a lot more whim than attention span? Coach follows up with his (not even close to) subtle "Leary admires the muscular guys" stuff but Leary's a PROFESSIONAL, brushes it off and makes Coach look like a dork in the process. Scotty throws his shirt at Christian because HE remembers the two weeks when these two teams we're going back and forth, even if the announcers' can't, then he tops it by making the "I want the belt motion." Scotty and Test will start - clap takes a while to get started. Lockup, no Test with a knee, forearm, right, right, whip, Coach: "newcomers like Mr. Perfect", slide under Test and up with a dropkick. Dance, tag. WHEN T&A oh Test is just going to hit a knee at tag out. Right right right is blocked and held on to, left is blocked and held on to, Albert moves the arms up and down, spins him around and clotheslines him. Albert sets up and calls for it - Airplane Spin! Coach: "Windmill!" One Two Three Four Five Six and a half rotations! Test tries to jump the disoriented Albert from behind but Albert hits the Albert Smash. Corner whip, charge in but no one's home but he stops short, Christian turns around to eat a punch. To the second rope - Vader splash but Test pulls Christian out of the ring in time. Scotty off the arm and punching, pretty effectively, but they're not the legal men. Referee Chad Patten out to tell Scotty to go back to his corner, while Albert tries to pick Christian up from the floor, but gets a jawbreaker over the top rope - Test is in and clotheslining on the rebound. Nice team work for a team that's "never teamed before." Punches to the head and the referee doesn't question the wrong person being in. Turnbuckle smash. Right. Back elbow. Right. Back elbow. Boot Choke. Oh, I sure hope we have that match. Corner whip, corner clothesline. Repeat! Albert flops, Test covers one tow Scotty breaks it up. Tag to Christian, hold for a gut shot. Right. Kick right kick choke in the corner. Right. Right. Choke. Kick (bad - saw the air.) Argue with Scotty, Scotty comes in, Test comes into to help on the beating and Christian goes out. Test with a (Coach: "Side") suplex, one two. Albert fights back with punches but gets a knee. Whip, clothesline misses, double clothesline and everyone's down. Everyone crawling for a tag - tag to Christian, to the top rope, diving headbutt (!) but Albert moves out of the way. Albert's gonna make the tag - Scotty with a right for Christian, another right, ducks the Christian clothesline, kick off the ropes koppo kick! Rights for Test, but Scotty turns right around into a kick from Christian, whip, reversed, Christian goes for the cross body but Scotty drops down so it hits Test but Test catches Christian and stands there so Scotty gets up and dropkicks them, boy was that set up. Albert eliminates Christian from the Royal Rumble, Scotty with a corner whip, two handed bulldog. Dance W O R M woo woo woo who who who swing at CHRISTIAN (who just got back in the ring) but Christian grabs the arm and turns into an Unprettyer but Scotty pushes Christian off into the double goozle - BALDO BOMB. BIG BOOT for Scotty! Big clothesline for Test to take him out of the ring. Albert goes out to take care of his former tag team partner, while Christian rolls over and puts an arm on Scotty - one two three. (5:33) Legal men, even. Albert's dumb, you know? 

Coming up, the mini-tournament on Smackdown, Hurricane, but next Vince McMahon.

Well, if they're showing this ad for RAW right now, hyping Vince/Flair and Vince's promise, it kinda explains that whole video package and we don't have to see it? Oh, we don't get the Smackdown clip here, I guess that's for the video package.

Come to think of it, they talked about everything - well, they didn't get around to wondering why Crash and Funaki are teaming so much lately - but what happened with Vince on Smackdown.

Oh, your announcers are Chris Leary and Jonathon Coachman. Can someone pass a note to Wade Keller that if Kevin Kelly and Coach are commentating (and it says "Metal" on the graphics leading in and out to breaks), it's probably not Jakked? Thanks.

Vince and RAW and Smackdown. I can't believe - that no one had the guts to tell Vince how bad his acting was. (5:43) Hype for RAW

Saturn vs Funaki later, but the Hurricane next.

the Hurricane (w/Mighty Molly) vs A.J. Styles (no graphic, already in the ring) - Hurricane shakes the ref's hand. Circle, will A.J. shake the hand? No, push instead - he's probably still wishing that he was the one to win the WCW Cruiserweight title and keep a job. Lockup, Hurricane healdock, holding it on, pushed in the ropes, off with a shoulderblock. Goofy pose, off the ropes, under, whip, shoulderblock by Styles and he does the pose. Off the ropes, into a clothesline. Whip, hiptoss. 

Coach: Vince McMahon was talking about a poison and a cancer, throughout Smackdown really Chris, and he revealed he's going to bring the N-W-O to the World Wrestling Federation. I have to seriously question what what that means.

Chris: Well, I don't know [interrupted by pinfall count] what the N-W-O is, but just the look on Mr. McMahon's face, just the tone of his voice, the crying and the breathing, the N-W-O has got to be a poison or a cancer and it just doesn't sound good at all, for any of us! The fans, any of us!

Coach: This all goes back to the Royal Rumble, where Ric Flair beat Vince McMahon in that brutal street fight [calling the action] the fact that Ric Flair, in the eyes of the Superstars and the eyes of Vince McMahon, says that Ric Flair is the better leader. And, people are naturally drawn to better leaders, and Mr. McMahon feels like it's going to be a downfall if Ric Flair leads the World Wrestling Federation. [calling the action]

Chris: So what kind of leadership is Mr. McMahon showing right now, with his behavior? Isn't he a leader too?

Coach: He feels like it's a foregone conclusion that the WWF is going to go down and the WWF is going to die, and if that's going to happen, it's not going to be Ric Flair who does it, it's going to be Mr. McMahon who does it. 

Back in the ring, Styles and Hurricane are trying to have a match, silly them. Picking back up - Hurricane off the topes, tilt-a-whirl (long) headscissors. Turnbuckle smash. Right. Right. Right. Hurricane grabs both of Styles arms and cross them over each other while pulling back, so Styles own forearms are choking him, kick to the back of the leg and turning into a modified camel clutch. Neither announcer knows what to call it, but they stand up and Styles uses strength and positioning to flip Hurricane over and to the mat, then hit a quick knee drop to the head. BRAINBUSTER! One two NO. That wasn't really protected much at all. Chinlock. Hurricane up and elbowing. Styles forearm to the back, punch, whip, big boot is too high, Hurricane with the goozle! Thumbs up, but before he can hit it, Styles elbows out, off the ropes, ducks a clothesline back suplex but Hurricane lands on his feet, jumping neckbreaker. Hurricane pose, better of the punches, whip, backdrop. One two no. Corner whip, reversed, charge into an elbow. Hurricane to the second rope - Blockbuster. No cover - Hurricane's too busy doing the Hurricane Spin. Setting up for something and waiting for Styles to get up - Eye of The Hurricane but Styles is escapes (ugly period in here where it seemed like they wanted to go to Styles hitting something but it wasn't working - a knee intended to cover shows air and they kinda break) - slap by Styles, corner whip, reversed, Hurricane charges into a boot, SUPERKICK. Styles opts to go up - SHOOTING STAR PRESS (CALLED!) but no one's home. Hurricane up, kick, loading him up - well, if Styles can drop Hurricane on his head earlier, I guess it's fair game for Hurricane to pull out the Vertabreaker. One Two Three. (4:36) Coach is so all "That's the Vertabreaker! That's the Vertabreaker!" that Hurricane must've had a chat with him before he called this match. Hurricane is too hurt to pose right away - oh, Molly puts the cape on and his powers are restored - this must be a tribute to the Cat. 

Crash in action later, but later a recap of the mini-tournament.

Okay, so help me out here: the reason they're bringing in the nWo is the name value, but they way they treat is like they've never heard of the nWo before - what am I missing here? (They didn't even say it like "nWo", they said it like it was three letters that they hadn't seen together before.) It'd be one thing if they were going "Well, we've seen the nWo in many forms with many players - what and WHO is Vince exactly talking about?" (that'd be the logical thing) but that's not this. 

1-800-Call-ATT and tell them about the Rock pinning Jericho on Monday.

Last Thursday, Austin won rather fast (well, that's the way the clips saw it), while Angle and the Rock had a longer fight. And then Angle and Austin. (4:07) RAW!

Coming up, Crash. Also, Funaki vs Saturn.

They're hyping things for RAW this week. Particular events and matches and stuff.

Burger King Martial Bliss of Smackdown.

(sho) Funaki vs Perry Saturn - People sure are unnaturally happy to see Saturn. Lockup, armdrag by Funaki. Lockup, no Funaki with an inside cradle one two. Saturn with a wild clothesline and Funaki rolls him up with a backwards cradle one two NO. Funaki ducks another clothesline but runs right into the flapjack. Stomp. Whip, tilt-a-whirl headscissors by Funaki. Drop toe hold, dropkick to the head, celebration while Saturn rolls out. Saturn back in and exchange of punches goes his way. Whip, slam, Funaki behind, back elbows connects, SUPERKICK one two no. Push in the ropes, head to the gut. Swinging neckbreaker. One two no. Kane vs Big Show for RAW! Knee to the head. Push in the ropes, head to the gut. Holding the head up and hitting a forearm. Side backbreaker. Saturn to the second rope - his Vader splash finds knee. Funaki up - and into a overhead belly to belly suplex, Saturn sure got over those knees to the midsection fast. Cover one two no. Corner whip, kip up, Saturn grabs Funaki on his shoulder, Funaki falls behind and hits a dropkick. Both slow up - drop toe hold onto the second rope, bulldog. LA MAJISTRAL ONE TWO NO! Pucnh, whip, reversed, duck under elbow, whip, jumping back kick by Funaki. Funaki goes up - top rope cross body for one two no. Corner whip, reversed, Eliminator sweep. Slam. Springboard legdrop with a twist one two no. Coach almost gets Funaki and Saturn mixed up, then complains about Leary talking. Whip, head down too soon, kick, but Saturn grabs the arm and locks in the Rings of Saturn anyway. Tap. (4:43)

Let's go back to Smackdown, and Leary's own view of the cancer in the WWF - a little dancing. (2:07)

Crash vs Onyx (already in the ring, no graphic) - Crash has opted for the rarely seen yellow tights. Coach is beyond thrilled about that clip, let me tell you. Oh wow, this must be NWA Wildside week, righteous. Lockup, armbar, twist by Crash, headlock, holding it, Off the ropes, over, around and Onyx puts his head down, so Crash goes behind and acts like he's the QB, barking out signals. Onyx is confused then angry, clothesline misses, Crash's hits. Crash is proud of himself. Slam. Oh no here we go again. Nah, he's not going even bother - back to Onyx, forearm, forearm, slam. He's going - nah, he's not going to. Slam, going again, this time, up to the top rope, that's a long way to go. Crash jumps off the top, land feet first on the mat and jumps again for a splash. One two no. Crash going to the corner - charge and dropped face first on the corner buckle. Stomping. Push in the corner. Shoulders to the gut. Whip, over, powerslam, no Cover by Onyx. Standing moonsault but he over jumped Crash (Crash rolled but it wasn't going to hit anyway.) Both up, forearm by Crash, block, another forearm, forearms. Whip, back elbow. Clothesline. Dropkick. Corner whip, reversed, Onyx finds no one him, I've Seen Better Crash Bulldog one two three. (2:44)

Your special Heat guest is Stacy Keibler. Godfather vs Lance Storm, (non-title) Christian vs DDP. On RAW, Stone Cold vs Kurt Angle. Kane vs Big Show. "More on this whole nWo thing!"

That's it.

The Cubs Fan
[slash] wrestling

Email the Author

Comment about this article in Wienerville



Design copyright © 1999-2002 Christopher Robin Zimmerman & KZiM Communications
Guest column text copyright © 2002 by the individual author and used with permission