You are here

WWF Jakked by The Cubs Fan




Two Years Ago on UK Metal with Kirk Wagstaff, Al Snow used his Head to beat Vis, Bull Buchanan beat Bradshaw by DQ when Faarooq interfered, Godfather and D-Lo beat the Mean Street Posse and Val Venis beat Hardcore Holly.

One Year Ago, Steve Blackman/Grandmaster Sexay, Haku, K-Kwik and Essa Rios won squashes.

tv 14 ldv attitude - the open goes something like this: 

yellow jakked screen
Rock raises his hand up in the air
yellow jakked logo
Rikishi preparing for the Bonzai Drop
yellow/red to purple Jakked screen
Hogan, yellow and red and pointing in the ring
Angle spinning
(purple to green) Jakked logo
Vince putting his finger in the air
Triple H posing
purple Jakked screen
Ivory poses
Jericho posing on the apron
a color inverted Jakked logo
Edge sliding into the ring (new shot? I forget.)
inverted logo again
Big Valbowski does The Grind
Jakked screen 
DDP make the Diamond Cutter Sign
red Jakked logo
Test poses in the corner
a moving Jakked logo
Christian poses
Stacy Keibler, in a bikini, waves a dress around her head. 
Jakked logo
Faarooq, clotheslining some kid
Jakked moving backwards logo
Test with a big boot for Scotty
(red) Jakked Logo
Kurt Angle with the ankle lock on
part of a Jakked screen
Edge giving Christian a reverse DDT
(yellow to purple to yellow ) Jakked logo
Tazz poses
Jazz watches something from the apron
really short (red) Jakked logo
Triple H Pedigrees Kurt Angle
(red) Jakked logo
The Rock has the Sharpshooter on Chris Jericho
(purple) Jakked logo
Maven looks shocked
(red) Jakked logo
Edge posing
forward moving Jakked logo
Christian throws a tantrum
(white) Jakked logo
Trish and Torrie do their bikini pose
closeups of parts of the Jakked logo
Rock Bottom for Kurt Angle
Hogan posing in the ring
(purple to green) Jakked logo
Triple H water spit
green Jakked screen
Triple H
(purple to green to red for a frame) Jakked logo

"This is the Game/And How You Play It/It's All About Control/And How You Can Take It" - I mean, backstage politics or not, he's been turned into the most important person in the WWF this week, BY FAR, leaping past Austin and Rock and I'm not sure if I dig it yet.  By comparison, Jazz doesn't really mean anything, apparently - they won't have to adjust her opening involvement at all if/when she loses the Woman's title.

Ivory vs Jazz for the WWF Woman's Championship - If you hadn't heard, this is now at Smackdown set - and so, the Smackdown roster. Your announcers are Leary and Marc Loyd - I could've sworn I heard Loyd's voice on Metal AND Leary in the Metal Slam Jam which would seem to me to break all the rules but I guess I know little. Putting together the two newest guys should make for an interesting hour. Dig that belt graphic that makes the belt look even more cheesy. Leary: "It's great to be he with you again, Marc - oh wait, this is our first time." Tony Chimel and not Fink is supplying the introductions tonight. Jazz drops her belt off and pushes Ivory - Ivory pushes back but somehow they both go down. Ivory with a clothesline. Cover one two no. Ivory up, slam, pulling Jazz up to a sitting position, dropkick to the back. Marc knows that Ivory is a former Woman's champion, which means someone must've made up notecards or something. Reverse chinlock. Let go, forearm. Ivory is acting heelish here, but it's not as though Jazz is a face either. Forearm, forearm, pulling Jazz off the ropes bump. Ivory off the ropes, ducks a clothesline, but Jazz scoops her up in a fireman's carry - there's the Samoan Drop one two no. Jazz with a stomp, kick to the stomach. Double underhook suplex! Took forever setting it up but it was a snapped off when everything was ready. Jazz picks Ivory up but Ivory kicking back, right, right, face rake by Jazz. Jazz with a forearm. Jazz goes for a Fujiwara armbar, but quickly lets go. Slam. Off the ropes - Loyd's not good with transitions - splash gets knees! Inside cradle one two NO. Right, whip, knee lift by Ivory. Whip, spinebuster pickup, dropping Jazz down but holding on to her legs - jacknife roll over cover one two NO! Fans bought that one. Leary: "Talk about tight! I'm just talking about Ivory's pants there." Rights (nice camera angle to make them look better), corner whip, reversed, Jazz charges into a boot but catches it - dragon screw leg whip. There's the STF - Ivory's holding in but not any longer. (2:51) Loyd knows what the STF hurts but he doesn't say "STF" so I can only give him partial credit.

Still to come - Triple H is a wanted man by everyone. And a sneak peak at the Rock's Movie. But next, a recap of Rock and Jericho!

On Smackdown, Vince pulled out a stipulation from nowhere to name a number one contendership and then there was an opening interview - then a backstage one - then a Rock and Jericho confrontation - then a Jericho/Rock match. I'm in a dashing mood. (6:17)

Stay with us - the Hurricane comes up later in a tag match. Faarooq will be in singles action too. 

They got in around to making the Backlash commercial already. "I will run you down!" I thought Rikishi did that.

Scorpion King stuff they've shown 12 times already. I hear the Rock stands alone. (:55)

It's the Godfather (w/only one escort) and a talking segment. Oh man I don't want no talking segments. Godfather is not in a good mood, it seems and the announcers one that there's only one lady. I can't believe I'm going to do this but: "I like to, uh, have a moment of your time, if I could. Unfortunately, due to the lack of business, the Godfather's Escort Service is officially closed." The Escort gives us Shock. "It was uh, it was a hard decision, but one that had to be made. Now uh, anytime is forced out of business, like I was, there's a lot of blame to go around. But I'm not here to point any fingers. The hell with that - I'm pointing my finger at each and everyone of you! Where has all the support gone? Where is all the love you used to have for me? How can it be that each and everyone of you were more than happy to get on the Ho Train? But you can't understand when a man's just trying to do better for himself and go legit! You're a bunch of hypocrites! Each and everyone of you - you all haters! Which brings me to you, Michelle. I'm sorry to tell you this, but I got to let you go. You're FIRED! Get to stepping, get of my ring, get going!" Before Michelle even can get moving, here's the music of the Big Valbowski to make this even better. The announcers - you can guess how they were acting during the speech - are talking about Val earning the equivalent of frequent flyer miles with Godfather, but I thought he was a ladies man who could get anyone he wanted, why does he need to pay? Oh no one cares - you can dress it up and act like it's Smackdown But With Different People And Shorter but it still smells like Jakked With Less Wrestling. I might as well finish this. Val's concerned, but not so concerned that he can't make a big show of taking off his towel. "Godfather, what the hell are you doing? You and I are like this man, we're like this man  [crosses fingers], we go way back and never once have I ever seen you like this. Godfather, you can't come out here complaining to these people, complaining about your business failing. Granted, when you were driving the Ho Train all around the World Wrestling Federation, every single person here loved it! But you felt you needed a change, you fell you needed to go legit, you tried to make your ho's - classy! C'mon Godfather, you know better than that! Godfather, what you need to do is to get your lovely young ladies to produce. You need to get creative Godfather! I've seen you get creative, Godfather - I know you can be creative! You know, get creative something like this." And there's the kiss - Godfather is not pleased Val's getting it for free but hey didn't he just fire her? I dunno anymore. "Now Godfather, this lucky young lady is a profitable young lady." And Godfather slugs him with the mic! Play his music. The Escort Service is closed. 

Still to come, Faarooq goes it alone - but next, Triple H and Triple H.

I care so little about this. (5:31) Hey look they got the graphic ready.

Lance Storm vs Faarooq - You know, based on past history and all, it'd make since to expect Dawn Marie to be paired with Lance, but given Lance's current position in the company, why would you bring in a second for him? Eh. Faarooq still his APA tights and music. Announcers talk about the nWo raiding the APA office, which is odd if they're two separate organizations but I guess okay in this case. Circle, Lance goes for the leg but Faarooq moves out of the way. Circle, lockup, Lance headlock, pushed into the ropes and Faarooq shoulderblocks him. Lance gets room to get up. Circle, Lance with a kick, right is blocked, Faarooq with a right, right, whip, clothesline but Storm slides under and pops up with a back elbow. Whip, reversed, powerslam by Faarooq one two NO. Faarooq with a right, corner whip, charge into Storm's boot. Second rope dropkick! Faarooq no-sells - too bad Storm is looking the wrong way and yelling. Lance turns around to a press slam but falls behind - eye rake from behind, that's different. Running head drop on the ropes lands, Storm jumping out of the ring in the process. Lance is having trouble with that elbow pad AGAIN. Someone buy him a new one, please. Springboard clothesline. One two no, pushed off into ref Brian Hebner (hmm, not on his dad's show.) Choke on the ropes. Right. Knee to the back. Elbow drop to the back. Elbow drop to the back. Cover one two no shoulder up. Whip, dropkick. Cover one two no. Stomp. Stomp. Right. Right. Off the ropes, dropkick. "I told you! Stay down!" Lance going to the ropes, off and right into the spinebuster. Cover one two three. (2:55

uh oh, huge black gaps where commercials (or perhaps programs) should be, that's not a good sign.

Lugz Rapid Cruiserweight Change/Heel Turn of Thursday

the Hurricane and Funaki vs Chavo Guerrero Jr. and Hugh Morrus - which side is TAKA gonna be on, anyway? I mean, I'd hope here but these people are nuts. Hurricane has a short spiky hair thing going - kinda similar to Sean O'Haire's 'do. The only one actually drafted by Vince here is Hurricane you know. Marc says there are rumors there might be a Cruiserweight Division and they're keeping their fingers crossed. Marc lists of all the possible people in the Cruiserweight division and doesn't mention anyone not in this match or the previous video highlight. Funaki and Chavo start and circle - lockup, Funaki with a waistlock, Chavo with a go behind into a hammerlock, Funaki with a hammerlock of his own into a headlock, off the ropes, shoulderblock. Off the ropes, over, Chavo puts his head down too soon so it's knee-ed, Chavo pops up with a clothesline but it's ducked, Funaki with a kick, off the ropes, faceslam! Your ref is Teddy Long. Chavo rolls to his corner and locks onto Hugh for safety and a tag. Hugh's head is shaved (again, right? He did this before in WCW) and he knocks down Funaki with forearms. Hugh with an open hand slap, whip, ducks the clothesline, cross body is no-sold. Funaki backs away - Hurricane request the tag and Funaki takes it. Hurricane poses, ducks a lockup, waistlock, Hugh thinks thinks thinks, reversal to a short clothesline but it's ducked, Hurricane tries for a slam but it ain't happening - I think he could if he really tried but he gets shoved down. Staredown, face to face, Hurricane poses, Hugh is confused, spins, eye poke. Right, right, whip, reversed, Hurricane spins to a stop, turns around, Hugh charges and gets a drop toe hold. Right for Chavo, Right for Hugh. Corner whip, reversed, Hugh charges in and finds no one. Hurricane going up - flying cross body works for one two no. Tag to Funaki - double suplex (double thumbs up to signal for it) works. Hugh actually kinda looks like Scott Norton here and I was waiting for him to reverse it into one of his own. Funaki covers one two no. Right. Right. Whip, reversed, Chavo gets a cheap forearm in. Funaki punches Chavo but turns around into a press slam - holding him up there for a long time and walking over to his partner, who tags in - drop, and Chavo springboard splash one two NO! Hard chop for Funaki. Kick, kick, kick, kick, kick, boot choke. Boot in the face. Hurricane comes into protest, while Hugh and Chavo tag and switch. Teddy does come back and worry about the tag but Chavo assures him that they did. Right by Hugh. Right. Warned about the closed first. Whip, clothesline, Funaki tries for a crucifix rollup but it's not gonna turn out well - Hurricane dropkick to give Funaki leverage one two no. Tag to Chavo, elbow drop to the leg. Chavo with a slam, off the ropes, snap legdrop. Tag to Hugh, corner whip for Funaki, and Hugh does an Albert splash in - great dropkick by Chavo! Hugh going up - top rope elbow but he took too long! Funaki needs a tag, Hurricane wants a tag - tag to Chavo, tag to Hurricane, TAG OUT TO MY VCR BECAUSE THE SHOW WENT VERY LONG.

How does the show go long? It's an hour show and I tape extra minutes just to make sure. (The black spots - they were the local station screwing up playing the tape and they just pushed it back as a result. I knew that but I wanted to pretend it was something else.) I'm not having a good week with this taping thing at all.

Um, checking the results, Chavo later reversed Funaki's attempt of a Tornado DDT into a Brainbuster for the win - seemed to be going around the (6:00) range, that's their new length for matches they think might be good.


The Cubs Fan
[slash] wrestling

Email the Author

Comment about this article in Wienerville



Design copyright © 1999-2002 Christopher Robin Zimmerman & KZiM Communications
Guest column text copyright © 2002 by the individual author and used with permission