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WWF Jakked by The Cubs Fan




Two Years Ago on Jakked, Marc Taylor saw (and so did Kirk Wagstaff on WWF Metal UK) Godfather and D'Lo take out the Headbangers, Big Bossman beat Stevie Richards as Big Bossman, Albert triumphs over Gangrel and Mideon sneaks a win over Funaki. 

One Year Ago, Too Cool beat Essa Rios and Chad "sometimes y" Collyer and danced with ref Chad Patten and Perry Saturn, K-Kwik and Albert won squashes. Also, about five million XFL plugs. So much so, that they miss the obvious chance for a Tough Enough segue when J.R. Ryder (as seen on MTV's "I want to be a WWF Wrestler" show) is getting killed.

2/2/2, that's cute.

TV 14 LDV attitude open. How many singles pushes ago is that Edge getting the Rock Bottom shot?

Crash (sho) Funaki (428 pounds) vs Spike (w/neckbrace) Tazz (368 pounds) for the WWF Tag Team Titles - It's all one name to the chyron crew. I like most every other variation of the Holly tights except the yellow ones Crash has been wearing lately. Your referee is Miss Jackie. I guess she's no longer special, because we just get a graphic and no formal announcement. Defending your titles on Jakked? Some kind of champions! The challengers are 40 points heavier, right. Crash and Funaki are a perfect 0-3 (at least in their latest run) as a tag team coming in to this match. This is a strictly one name match. Crash and Miss Jackie have a conversation where Crash says too much and Funaki's got to save his partner from getting DQed before the match starts. Tazz looks at the fans, and Funaki looks at him - no, he wants Spike in to start. Let's discuss this. Okay, now he's in. Spike's kinda stupid for coming in - Leary calls it confidence. Lockup, no Funaki avoids and kicks. Forearm to the head. Whip, head down too soon, Spike rolls to a small package, one two no. Clothesline misses, Spike with an inside cradle one two no. Bulldog, one two no. Tag to Tazz, whip, drop toe hold, Tazz off both sets of ropes before he hits the big boot. Tazz silly chokes Funaki near his corner, so Crash gets the punch and gets the tag. In, and into an elbow. Armbar, Northern Lights release suplex. Series of forearms to the back. Whip, Tazz drops down so Spike can hit his diving forearm. Dropkick. 'rana, then a cover, no Crash is going to roll out. Spike gives chase, Crash leads him around the corner, and Funaki misses the clothesline, that's unfortunate. One mighty punch from Spike takes Funaki down, but Crash has slid in the ring, and now is sliding out with a dropkick. Funaki with a whip into the steps, and Spike's thrown back in. Miss Jackie doesn't really seem upset that Funaki's now in the ring and Crash isn't. One two NO. Reverse neckbreaker! Funaki's no idiot. One two no. Funaki with the knee choke and argues with Miss Jackie about the five count at the same time. Off at two. Tag to Crash, holding Spike for a top rope fist. Slam. Crash fixes his pants, now he's kinda pulling them up, and now he pushes them back down to where he started. Now he'll cover one two no. Crash is gonna piledrive him! Before you even have a chance to wonder about what a genius Crash is, that gets backdropped. Funaki does manage to sneak in a jawbreaker over the top rope, though. Crash works the stomping. Crash thinks about a tag, then goes to a leglock to hold Spike in place while he's tagging in Funaki. Funaki with an elbow drop. Turnbuckle smash. Whip, clothesline misses, inverted atomic drop by Spike and clothesline finishes him off. Race for a tag - only Spike is really moving. Tag to Tazz and now Crash can tag Funaki - Funaki goes down to a clothesline. Clothesline for Crash. Overhead belly to belly suplex for Funaki. One for Crash. One more for Funaki! One more for Crash! That's more of an Exploder on Funaki, cover one two Crash goes for the elbow drop but Tazz moves so it hits Funaki. Tag to Spike. Champions work over challengers in opposite corners, Leary: "Who's the legal men?", dual corner whips, Crash and Funaki spin each other around but end up getting the Dudley Dog and Tazzmission anyway. Miss Jackie rightly counts the pin one two three. (4:52) Coach talks about how this victory is overshadowed by the impending arrival of the nWo.

Later, there's a Stephanie interview which I'll fastforward through, Val Venis vs (I typed "over" instead the first time I wrote that) Tajiri, but next, something something O. I believe it could be Cheerios but I'm not convinced.

WWF History, abridged version. (3:45) Hey, that's not 4 minutes. 

It wasn't Cheerios. (7:53) While I'm sitting here and they're fooling around in Squishy Yellow Vision with Raw clips, I should mention that your hosts are Chris Leary and Jonathon Coachman. Smackdown ones too. The anticipation for RAW is off the charts - will the nWo be there?

Later, Boss Man vs Hurricane, but next, Val Venis is here.

Val Venis gets no entrance so he can bore us. This time, there's an exciting twist of the girl temporarily being uncomfortable yanking Val's towel, then asking for the crowd's support. Coach: "We only have an hour!" Of course the girl twirls the towel around her head - they must get a bonus to remember to do that. This will never end. Have they decided if he's a face or a heel? Coach is acting so (overboard). (3:14) All this and a match too

Val Venis vs Cruiserweight Champion Tajiri (w/Torrie Wilson) in a non title match - We didn't get to hear Fink's announcement for Val, but I assume so. Fink doesn't say "WWF Cruiserweight Champion" but the graphic does. Lockup, headlock, Coach talking about the Asia tour the two non-ex-porn stars (I assume) were just on, Tajiri struggles, Val off the ropes and with a shoulderblock. Off the ropes, over, Tajiri hiptoss blocked, Val tries a hiptoss but Tajiri turns it into a bodyscissors and then to an armdrag. Jumping spin kick connects. Kick, corner whip, reversed, Val charges into a boot. Off the ropes, Tajiri under a clothesline, Thesz press (I guess) caught into a Val powerslam. Val taking his time going up and he's crotched. Tajiri moves his legs to the inside of the ring, right to the head, climbing up to join him - top rope 'rana! Tajiri's too hurt to cover him - both up no Val up with a forearm to knock Tajiri down. Short clothesline ducked, back thrust kick by Tajiri! Tajiri follows up with forearms, but gets pushed away. More forearms, but again Val pushes him away - he's just not strong enough. Whip, Tajiri with the handspring elbow one two NO. Tajiri with a, um, grounded crucifix cradle one two NO. Kick to the shoulder, corner whip, reversed (strength again), Val charges in but Tajiri hops up and locks on the Tarantula. Leary knows the five second rule! Knockout kick is TOO HIGH, leg sweep and Val with a knee snap (Tajiri's on his stomach, Val Venis grabs his left leg, places Tajiri's left foot behind his own left knee and falls backwards, cranking the leg sharply to the side) and then hooks on a reverse (Tajiri facing down) figure four - Tajiri quickly submits. (2:44) Say hello to Val's new submission hold - too bad we couldn't have spent longer getting to it. Funny how Tajiri's legs end up being his weak point.

Val Venis gets about 2 seconds of celebration before we get the RollerBall hype on Smackdown. (:44

Still to come, Scotty and Albert, but next, the happy couple.

The only time you see Paul Heyman in these Rollerball ads are on WWF TV shows - but this ad is shorter than the other. (:24) At least this is the only time he's on TV.

Over-Overacting (2:31)

Later, Scotty 2 Hotty and Albert. Next, Boss Man vs Hurricane.

Odd that the video package shows Austin and Rock in the center, instead of the way it was in the graphics.

Stacker 2 non-win of Last Monday.

Boss Man (w/o entrance) vs the Hurricane (w/Mighty Molly) - Hurricane wants a handshake. Boss Man discusses this with referee Nick Patrick and himself. Handshake! And a thumbs up! And then Boss Man pulls him in to yell at him. Pushed down. Charge, lockup, tossed down. Hurricane tries a slam, but is pushed away. Again, and this time he goes a forearm. Boss Man has words with Molly. This week in Rudo Leary: "It's nice we finnaly got to meet the real Stephanie." They really should go all the way with this; it couldn't hurt (it is Jakked) and sometimes is amusing. Corner whip. Right. Right. Right. Right. Boot choke. Turnbuckle smash no it's blocked, Hurricane tries it but it's blocked and he gets an elbow. Choke. Bending Hurricane over his knee to choke him. Molly's going up as Hurricane is dropped to the mat - Patrick miraculously turns just as Molly hits the missile dropkick. Boss Man is more stunned then actual hurt and chases after her. Out of the ring, in the ring, right into a Hurricane slam. Right right corner whip, reversed, back elbow, Blockbuster one two no. Hurricane calls for the chokeslam. Well, no. Elbow out. Whip, clothesline misses, right into a Boss Man Slam. One Two Three (2:53) Today's lesson on Jakked: Even the top cruiserweights can't compete against the midlevel heavyweights. Nick Patrick was oddly non-evil there - I guess you have to pay to have him screw people. Whoa, sorry about that imagery.

X-BOX CRAPPY CRAPPY CRAAAAAAAAAPY Title Change - I forget, what DDP performance made him deserving of this title? On the other hand, it is the European Title.

Albert Scotty 2 Hotty (abbreviated champions) vs Steven Perez and ??? (non entrance, no graphic) - Ampersands cost money. I don't do play by play until I get a name - and that's Steven that's Scotty's beating up, but I still don't know the other one. Tag to Albert, who Steven backs into before realizing who he's facing - punches are going nowhere. SEVENTEEN spins on the Giant Spin, and the dizzyness leads to a low headbutt. The other guy is in. I'll tell you if they do a new spot, because if you've been watching this team, you've seen this match. Albert does bring back the press slam into a powerbomb. The guy with no name get the scissors kick. He's said Steven Paras about three times. Scotty gets on Albert's back and yells charge before the does the corner Albert Smash. WORM. Coach: "[Albert] setting up for everyone's favorite two word...word!" "Word!" Word!" One (Scotty goes lucha and poses on Albert's back) Two Three on the nameless one. (3:30) It was and Pat Q-Sic.

On Heat, Scotty 2 Hotty vs Tajiri for the (no WWF graphic here - inconsistent at best) Cruiserweight Championship - Leary accurately notes that it's been a while since the title has been defended. All that and really not much more on HEAT. RAW could have the nWo. 

The Cubs Fan
[slash] wrestling

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